It's been two months since I last updated. I'm writing this belated post from the UK, and have since re-named this blog and its purpose. This indicates that some massive changes have gone afoot. On the 16th of November 2019 I gave Manna Project International in Ecuador my one-month notice. I have been one of five volunteers who have left the INGO in the last four months.
I will write another time, and in another format, about what was actually going on and how this influenced five women to disrupt their plans for a year and choose to go home / somewhere else rather than stay with the organisation. What I will say on this format is: it is very, very difficult to do development work when you and your colleagues agree on a definition of development but the organisation you work with doesn't. I actually wrote about this in my doctoral thesis. When a discourse of development (or community development) is not shared by a community / international development project or organisation, it will result in socially antagonistic relationships within the project or organisation. What occurs is that the dominant discourse creates particular subject positions for each individual within the project to adopt. So, if someone comes into a community / international development project with a different understanding of community or international development, they will struggle to fit into the subject positions available to them under the discourse. They really have two options: (i) re-frame and adopt the available subject position under the dominant discourse, or (ii) adopt the available subject position but work to gradually change the discourse from the inside to create your preferred subject position.
I did the latter with this particular INGO, and I was working with intelligent women who had also 'chosen' ii. But, if ii is not working (even if the organisation is saying it wants to change but the realities of changing discourses are extraordinarily complicated) then the third option is to leave. In my professional opinion, this is what happened with five of us. Only two volunteers have stayed and, for the record, they agree with our definition of community development, but they have adopted i or ii for their own reasons.
The real lesson for the organisation here is not to advertise themselves as promoting a particular discourse of development when the reality is they are operating a different one. We have tried to feed this back in a number of different ways, but some people really struggle to see how two discourses are different (or admit to themselves they are - one 'sounds' better so they advertise that but its too difficult, or costly, to implement in reality so they operationalise a different one). Since we have left, people have since informed me that the official line is that the five of us misunderstood what the organisation was trying to do and are working towards communicating themselves better, which should mean a different type of person will be attracted to them and accept the subject positions they offer. I wish them the very best of luck. In this climate, they will definitely need it.
So, what now? Some of the volunteers and I have started to plan an academic paper on our experiences; which we hopefully can publish in an international development journal to facilitate some rich discussions. And... I'm off to Ethiopia. Before I accepted the post with Manna Project International, I had passed all the rounds of interviews to volunteer with Voluntary Services Overseas. However, I decided to go with MPI as VSO were not currently doing programmes in Latin America. I got back in touch with VSO and asked if they had any opportunities shorter-term. So, I will be volunteering in Ethiopia for 3-4 months in a UNICEF funded project with a team of participatory action researchers in refugee camps throughout Ethiopia. The plan was for me to fly to Ethiopia on the 30th of December but getting back to the UK during the Christmas period has slowed everything down so I'm still trying to get various things and VSO has to clear them before I go. It is likely I will be in Ethiopia by the second week in January.
I'm very excited to go to Ethiopia; but I was very sad to leave Ecuador. I honestly adore Ecuador and would recommend everyone and anyone to go. The people. the food, the landscape... I made some real friendships there and I know that some of them will last a long, long time. I will definitely be back in Ecuador. It was an absolute pleasure.
Friday, 27 December 2019
Wednesday, 23 October 2019
'Normality', hybridity and reflections on the need to travel
This blog post is going to be different from the last. A self reflective theme will likely remain, but the subject matter is quite different. Ecuador is back to 'normal'. Not long after I wrote the last blog post, Sangolqui started to respond to the protests which I think was echoed in many places outside of the bigger cities. The curfew enforced by the Ecuadorian Government throughout the Chillos Valley wasn't, with hindsight, the smartest move and the people responded in force - including some who had not been motivated to act previously.
It was a very interesting weekend. There were WhatsApp messages asking for photos of our passports and advising us to pack a small bag 'just in case'. A large tank of gasoline also ended up at our house in case we needed a car in an emergency but it was out of gas / petrol (I am becoming Americanis(z)ed). One of the volunteers was particularly shook up by the protests taking place outside our door and spent over an hour locked in one of the bathrooms on the phone to the US. Then, it all seemed to 'calm down'. The indigenous groups (and, particularly, the indigenous leader) agreed to a dialogue with President Moreno the following day. Things flared up again when it appeared the dialogue would not take place; but then it did and an 'agreement' was reached. The next day was clean up. People came out in equal force to clean up their beloved country to get things back to 'normal'.
Although I am very pleased with the outcome of the dialogue (it was basically a two-fingered salute to the IMF and neoliberalism), I do realise that there are other issues going on here that were suspended in this 'coalition'. It's still a stalemate here in some regards. Having the ability to speak to people face-to-face after such an event is a real privilege. It has let me realise that neither Moreno nor the indigenous groups represent the vast majority of Ecuadorians; and that this is still simmering under the surface. But, it is a good result for Ecuador (overall), Manna and I. I'm not going anywhere soon and I returned back to the centro on Tuesday the 15th of October.
This 'pause' has given me enough space and time to make a switch in my head with regards to roles. The good news: I am now doing pretty much the role I came over here to do. Finally. There is still overlap (I'm doing way more than 40 hours a week), but I'm getting to flex the muscles I wanted to flex here. This means a lot more monitoring and evaluation, and volunteer management. I'm still teaching a lot. But, I've never been able to fully escape that. A student pretty much summed it up last night: 'you have a good energy, Andie. It makes people want to listen to you and we can't help but respond to you.' Lovely. Very lovely. And not the first time I've been told that by a long shot.
All this has given me some scope to think (when I've had time). It's no secret to those who know me well that I've been craving a 'hybrid' job for a while. I love theory and love discussing how we can use it to change the world (not just according to me). But, if I can't actually practically apply it and see the conundrums of how it works on the ground, I get frustrated. Conversely, if I'm just watching how other people's theories materialise in practice, I get equally frustrated. So, I've always known that I needed both together. And I needed conversations not just with university staff and students, but those on the ground, in communities, who are living and responding to their lives. I'm getting much more of that nexus here; and I can see that I would be able to balance both of these quite well in daily life. With the right routines in place, of course.
So, why Ecuador? I really like it here and I'm beyond thankful that I made the decision to come here. To uproot myself once again and take a chance on something different. But, I'm slowly realising that I didn't really need to do this. The reality is, I have changed substantively since my 20s. Being in Latin America again has allowed me to actually see the trees and not just the forest. In my 20s I wasn't very happy in myself and was looking for some sense of 'belonging'. Nicaragua, with its more open ways of being (in some regards) and its disinterest in my background and what I had 'achieved' in life, gave me the necessary space to break out of some socialisation patterns and be reborn in a lot of different ways.
I think I half-expected Ecuador to do the same thing. After eight years of doing a very difficult doctorate and working in a very achievement focused environment (academia), I felt I needed a similar experience to Nicaragua to help me break out of 'faulty' ways of being. But, the truth is: I'm alright. I actually don't need to do anything drastic or purge anything from me. I just needed some space to decompress and fall in love with the little things of life again. The things that are in the UK and anywhere really, but they are just more noticeable here because they are packaged differently. And I've realised that's what travelling is. It's just some time out to notice the beauty that is already in your life but got obscured in all the mundane.
So, what does this mean? Quite scarily (for me), it means that somewhere over the last 11 years I have stabilised considerably and that what I thought I needed isn't actually what I need at all. I think I always expected to find some place that would 'fit' better than all the rest. But, actually, it's the combination of factors around that place that is what makes it fit. In some ways, I am a turtle and I can take my home with me anywhere to start all over again. But, the stuff in the shell isn't actually the most important stuff. It's both what's inside your heart and what you create in the spaces around you. Whilst I have no doubt I could create (and am creating) beautiful spaces here, some things actually are irreplaceable. I always 'knew' that, but I never really felt it. I do now.
Some big conclusions coming out so early in the journey. I didn't expect that. And I didn't expect how I feel now. But, that's ok. I'm ok. And however this ends... that's going to be ok also.
It was a very interesting weekend. There were WhatsApp messages asking for photos of our passports and advising us to pack a small bag 'just in case'. A large tank of gasoline also ended up at our house in case we needed a car in an emergency but it was out of gas / petrol (I am becoming Americanis(z)ed). One of the volunteers was particularly shook up by the protests taking place outside our door and spent over an hour locked in one of the bathrooms on the phone to the US. Then, it all seemed to 'calm down'. The indigenous groups (and, particularly, the indigenous leader) agreed to a dialogue with President Moreno the following day. Things flared up again when it appeared the dialogue would not take place; but then it did and an 'agreement' was reached. The next day was clean up. People came out in equal force to clean up their beloved country to get things back to 'normal'.
Although I am very pleased with the outcome of the dialogue (it was basically a two-fingered salute to the IMF and neoliberalism), I do realise that there are other issues going on here that were suspended in this 'coalition'. It's still a stalemate here in some regards. Having the ability to speak to people face-to-face after such an event is a real privilege. It has let me realise that neither Moreno nor the indigenous groups represent the vast majority of Ecuadorians; and that this is still simmering under the surface. But, it is a good result for Ecuador (overall), Manna and I. I'm not going anywhere soon and I returned back to the centro on Tuesday the 15th of October.
This 'pause' has given me enough space and time to make a switch in my head with regards to roles. The good news: I am now doing pretty much the role I came over here to do. Finally. There is still overlap (I'm doing way more than 40 hours a week), but I'm getting to flex the muscles I wanted to flex here. This means a lot more monitoring and evaluation, and volunteer management. I'm still teaching a lot. But, I've never been able to fully escape that. A student pretty much summed it up last night: 'you have a good energy, Andie. It makes people want to listen to you and we can't help but respond to you.' Lovely. Very lovely. And not the first time I've been told that by a long shot.
All this has given me some scope to think (when I've had time). It's no secret to those who know me well that I've been craving a 'hybrid' job for a while. I love theory and love discussing how we can use it to change the world (not just according to me). But, if I can't actually practically apply it and see the conundrums of how it works on the ground, I get frustrated. Conversely, if I'm just watching how other people's theories materialise in practice, I get equally frustrated. So, I've always known that I needed both together. And I needed conversations not just with university staff and students, but those on the ground, in communities, who are living and responding to their lives. I'm getting much more of that nexus here; and I can see that I would be able to balance both of these quite well in daily life. With the right routines in place, of course.
So, why Ecuador? I really like it here and I'm beyond thankful that I made the decision to come here. To uproot myself once again and take a chance on something different. But, I'm slowly realising that I didn't really need to do this. The reality is, I have changed substantively since my 20s. Being in Latin America again has allowed me to actually see the trees and not just the forest. In my 20s I wasn't very happy in myself and was looking for some sense of 'belonging'. Nicaragua, with its more open ways of being (in some regards) and its disinterest in my background and what I had 'achieved' in life, gave me the necessary space to break out of some socialisation patterns and be reborn in a lot of different ways.
I think I half-expected Ecuador to do the same thing. After eight years of doing a very difficult doctorate and working in a very achievement focused environment (academia), I felt I needed a similar experience to Nicaragua to help me break out of 'faulty' ways of being. But, the truth is: I'm alright. I actually don't need to do anything drastic or purge anything from me. I just needed some space to decompress and fall in love with the little things of life again. The things that are in the UK and anywhere really, but they are just more noticeable here because they are packaged differently. And I've realised that's what travelling is. It's just some time out to notice the beauty that is already in your life but got obscured in all the mundane.
So, what does this mean? Quite scarily (for me), it means that somewhere over the last 11 years I have stabilised considerably and that what I thought I needed isn't actually what I need at all. I think I always expected to find some place that would 'fit' better than all the rest. But, actually, it's the combination of factors around that place that is what makes it fit. In some ways, I am a turtle and I can take my home with me anywhere to start all over again. But, the stuff in the shell isn't actually the most important stuff. It's both what's inside your heart and what you create in the spaces around you. Whilst I have no doubt I could create (and am creating) beautiful spaces here, some things actually are irreplaceable. I always 'knew' that, but I never really felt it. I do now.
Some big conclusions coming out so early in the journey. I didn't expect that. And I didn't expect how I feel now. But, that's ok. I'm ok. And however this ends... that's going to be ok also.
Saturday, 12 October 2019
The anti-austerity and indigenous-led protests in Ecuador; the Tarot, Joker and personal reflections / growth
I will start personal, before I get social and then 'universal'. I have a multi-layered personality (just one... I think...). We all do in some ways - we are human. But, as the years have gone by I have come to appreciate just how 'esoteric' some of my interests are and how they can raise some eyebrows when people are getting to know me (or think they already do know me). One such interest is the tarot. It stemmed from my interest in astrology, as I learnt that certain tarot cards are represented by particular signs and planets, and some are defined by astrological aspects too. It was also around this time I started getting into numerology. So, on my 18th birthday my mum and I chose my first tarot deck. It was the Celtic Dragon Tarot by DJ Conway and Lisa Hunt. Here is a lovely photo...
Beautiful, aren't they?
This deck sparked a real interest in paganism; an interest I have also maintained. But, like most things, it has waxed and waned. This deck led to more questions - I thought the tarot was much more embedded in numerology and astrology? This led to my discovery of the Aleister Crowley's Thoth deck. For those who have been living under rocks, Aleister Crowley is an infamous member of the Esoteric / Magical Order of the Golden Dawn. He was pivotal in its dismantling (although variants of it still exist today) and formed his own esoteric / magical order known as Thelema. In short, 'Do what thou wilt.' For all Crowley's faults (and he had many), his life is a documentary on the positives and negatives of applying your Will. He was a gifted magician. I am not going to get into what magic is and isn't in this blog post; but Crowley was regarded by most as especially adept at using his Will and the elements around him in unison. Our individual and societal judgements on his actions actually say more about us than they do about him.
I am still learning about the Thoth deck, and about Crowley. I have bought and learned many decks since this second tarot purchase; but I always come back to it. And picking it up again always sends me down a rabbit hole - usually related, but slightly different, to one I have been down before. Just before I left the UK in July this year, I bought the Millennium Thoth deck and, finally, bought the most renowned book companion to Crowley's Book of Thoth (this book is still in a box in customs in Ecuador!!!). It started a journey down another rabbit hole; but I have been consistently surprised by how many times The Tower card has come out in my readings since I bought this Millennium Thoth deck. This is Crowley (and Lady Freida Harris') Tower:
It's not the happiest of images; but a lot is going on here. In short, it means destruction / devastation / annihilation. It is usually represented as the Tower of Babel being destroyed by a God (usually Shiva or Jehovah); but it goes much deeper than that. The discovery and proliferation of psychoanalysis - especially the work of Carl G Jung who was fascinated by esoteric thought and incorporated it into his work - has intensified the original work of the tarot that the tarot is actually a journey of self discovery. The major arcana of the tarot (the Fool to the World) is based on the Tree of Life of the Qabala(h) (Kabbalah); which is a blueprint of the ascension of the human soul.
I have never been that interested in using the tarot as a method of divination. I have always used it for self development purposes. And I have learnt through the years that consistently drawing the same card(s) means something. The Tower card usually means a shocking event that rocks you to your core. Depending on where you are at in your self development, it can mean a breakdown of who you actually think you are by forcibly removing all external elements (including people) you use to define yourself; to honing your own Will to the events around you to purge yourself of external elements in your life that no longer serve you. The latter is still traumatic; but its the 'easiest' of all the routes.
I have gone through so many Tower experiences in my life. Both where I was unprepared and semi-prepared for it. They are not pleasant experiences and are especially penetrating because The Tower follows The Devil card. The messages have been coming through for a while that we were becoming addicted to something; that we were using something (or many things) as a crutch (crutches); that if it was ok and we had regular access to it, we'd be ok. We wouldn't have to look that deeply inside ourselves and meet, face-to-face, that emptiness that exists within all of us. The Devil usually means you are covering up this emptiness with something: money, power, alcohol, sex, status, drugs, work, working-out, dysfunctional relationships, etc. And the signs were there that you couldn't cope without it, i.e. not getting enough social media 'likes' / not being able to get to the gym / not being able to have an alcoholic drink / your partner refusing to give you validation and asking you to self-validate / not being able to 'match up' to the status that you permeate about yourself, etc.
The Tower just says, 'The Devil gave you enough warnings and you didn't listen. Now, you dance with me.' And it takes whatever it is away. Forcibly. At the moment you actually need it the most. But, instead, you are left with that emptiness and a fractured understanding of who you really are. And ruins. The Tower likes ruins. It likes you to regularly look at ruins of the life you previously had. When you were so 'happy'. When you slept better. When you could go out socially and be 'on' and no one suspected you were dying inside. But it was still there. You just had other things to focus on. But now you don't and you have to listen to it. This is the real gift of The Tower. From a self-development perspective, it's actually one of my favourite tarot cards. Because I understand what it is trying to do. It never fully takes the venom out from its sting. But, I know in 6 months to a year, I will be sitting in a much better position; having worked out a new dimension to that emptiness and we get a better understanding of each other. But, we never really conquer that emptiness. We temporarily think we do. We just get better at accepting it and ourselves.
Look back of your own life and ask yourself how many Tower experiences you have had. Where everything changed and you were forced to reevaluate who you really are. How has those experiences helped you come to terms with the emptiness inside of you and how you manage it?
Now, to get to the crux of the argument: the cards had been telling me for a while that Ecuador was going to be another Tower experience. So, I expected to come to Ecuador and discover some more 'unforgiving' aspects of myself. Like still being tied to Western morals and values; still being tied to socialisation processes that I outgrew a long, long time ago but have never 'replaced' them with anything else. To have my own knowledge challenged on a fundamental level and be left with no option but to change my flawed ways of thinking. In short, I fully expected (and welcomed) the opportunity to cast out aspects of myself that no longer worked for me. In fact, I was craving it. I thought I was soooooo ready for it.
What I didn't expect was Ecuador to be going through its own personal development, and that it would hit its own Tower experience whilst I was here. A Tower experience that has come from The Devil card - the unequal rise of wealth in the country; a deal with the IMF (literally, the Devil) to impose austerity measures; government and private sector battles with indigenous groups to access natural resources on protected land to pay back debt caused by capitalists and bankers, etc. The warnings were all there. That the road that Ecuador was going down was going to lead to more and more eruptions of tension. This tension hinging on what is 'development' and how that is defined and operated across different socio-cultural groups across Ecuador. The Tower card was President Lenin Moreno announcing that the government would no longer subsidise fuel prices which would lead to the doubling of all fuel costs, which would have a knock-on effect on just about every price imaginable in Ecuador. This has led to an, arguably, left-populist push-back from some socio-cultural groups in Ecuador. And, imho, it has left Ecuador at a point of no return.
We are Day 9 into protests that are not simmering down. We have a stalemate between two juggernauts that is unlikely to be resolved any time soon. We have a President who has, according to some, made a deal with the Devil (IMF). It can't have been an easy decision to make and, yes, I do agree in some respects his hands were tied due to the previous spending of the Correa administration and the ramifications of the global financial crisis. What I don't agree with is how he is trying to swing this populist push-back to the right by blaming Maduro and Venezuela for the situation that Ecuador is now finding itself in. We now have a populist chase for who is the 'better' 'Other': the Venezuelan immigrants, the Correa-era bureaucrats or the pro-neoliberal and austerity Moreno Government. Something I suspect will be thrashed around at the so-called dialogues that are taking place. Dialogues where no one who actually matters, i.e. is a key player, appears to be budging an inch.
I live less than 15km from the capital Quito. It's a nice little suburban town/city with mixed wealth. From my own doorstep, I haven't seen that much of the impact of the anti-austerity protests. In Sangolqui, people seem to want to get on with their lives: to sell their produce at market; to work; to go to school / university; and to go out with their friends. The organisation I am working for had to shut its doors on the 3rd of October. This was due to the bus companies, truckers and taxis agreeing to strike to bring Ecuador to a standstill. This meant that people were unable to travel, and schools and universities quickly sent round notices that they would be shutting too. This has very much been the state of play since the 3rd of October. The organisation I am volunteering for has been shut since the 3rd of October although we have had many meetings about the situation and how we can move forward from it.
The organisation is also experiencing deja vu. Late last year / early this year, Manna made the decision to close its doors in Nicaragua. I have bored almost everyone I know for the last year about what happened in Nicaragua so I will not repeat it here. But, it is fair to make parallels between what is happening in Ecuador now and what happened in Nicaragua (and is still happening tbh). Ecuador is Manna's last site. Without a site, there is really no Manna. So, it's not only a question about ceasing operations in Ecuador; it is a question about whether Manna as an organisation continues. The good news, from my perspective, is that the organisation doesn't seem in a rush to close its doors here. There is panic. We have to follow the United States with regards to security alerts and travel information. Parts of Ecuador are at level 4 which is do not travel. This has affected the travel of the CEO of the organisation and two members of the Board of Trustees who were supposed to visit between the 15th and the 25th of October. But there is also pragmatism. We are not in an physical danger in Sangolqui. And the people around us want to get back to some version of 'normalcy' soon. So, the plan is that we open our doors again on the 15th of October. Watch this space...
Then there was last night. I know a lot of stuff has been happening in Quito that is very sad and divisive; but I'm not referring to that (although last night was particularly troubling in Quito). Last night I made the decision to go and see Joker (Guason) at the local Sangolqui mall. In Spanish, may I add (I tried to go and see the English version to experience Joaquin in all his glory, but it was sold out)? Getting a ticket was an experience in itself. I actually invited people waiting in the line to get a ticket and had to text them all back saying I could only get myself a ticket as the five showings that night (3 dubbed in Spanish, 2 with Spanish subtitles) were sold out. I don't think I will ever forget sitting in that movie theatre watching the last 20 minutes of Guason/Joker. There was something in the air - unspoken, but lingered and was electric. There was a shared understanding in that movie theatre that Ecuador is transforming and has passed the point of no return. How it will look in the future is irreversibly shaped by the events of the 3rd of October 2019. And it made me realise that Sangolqui is not passive in this process. The protests haven't yet arrived at the people's doorsteps here. Before last night I would have been unsure as to how Sangolqui would have responded to that. After last night, I think I have a much better idea.
So, yes, The Tower card wasn't just about me. It was about Ecuador (and, arguably, Manna as well) and what it was about to go through. But, we are interconnected. I live here and will be living here for the foreseeable future (I can't see Manna shutting its doors within the next month, for instance. Although, that could be my Tower experience right there). What Ecuador is going through is gradually chipping away at me. Making me think about how I fight / don't fight for what I believe in; about what really matters to me. Yes, my values and principles. The things that I actually did think were going to change when I was here. But, it's all happening in ways I couldn't have predicted. And mirroring Nicaragua. Be careful what you wish for. Something I seem to be saying a lot to myself in my 30s. Do what thou wilt; as Crowley both advises and warns...
So, I'm here in Ecuador. Trying to build castles in the sky and learning more and more than you can't really plan anything. We get so attached to plans and ways of being because we had 'power' and control in constructing them. At a very deep level, The Tower asks you to let go. To surrender. To let transformation happen and not to be in any rush to fill in the blanks of the spaces / scar tissue left behind. To listen to and begin to enjoy the silence. To get comfortable in those uncomfortable places, and to step back and listen to the excuses your mind makes to get the Hell out of Dodge when actually you need Dodge and you need that Hell to transform.
I'm not going anywhere. Not of my own volition anyway. Whatever this becomes, it is what it becomes. It makes no difference to me if I am still here in a month or on a plane back to the UK. I can reconcile both. I would love to stay here, continue to get to know Ecuador and do all the many things that I want to do. But, I can also go back to the UK, do some writing and make new plans that could only have taken place if Ecuador had happened. So, don't worry about me. I am where I need to be. And if the wind blows to tell me I don't need to be here anymore, I will listen. I am not attached to any outcome... I just want to be, to live, to do, to grow, to transform. And I can do that anywhere. But some places call me. Like Ecuador. Like Nicaragua. Because they have something to teach me. For that, it is all worth it.
Beautiful, aren't they?
This deck sparked a real interest in paganism; an interest I have also maintained. But, like most things, it has waxed and waned. This deck led to more questions - I thought the tarot was much more embedded in numerology and astrology? This led to my discovery of the Aleister Crowley's Thoth deck. For those who have been living under rocks, Aleister Crowley is an infamous member of the Esoteric / Magical Order of the Golden Dawn. He was pivotal in its dismantling (although variants of it still exist today) and formed his own esoteric / magical order known as Thelema. In short, 'Do what thou wilt.' For all Crowley's faults (and he had many), his life is a documentary on the positives and negatives of applying your Will. He was a gifted magician. I am not going to get into what magic is and isn't in this blog post; but Crowley was regarded by most as especially adept at using his Will and the elements around him in unison. Our individual and societal judgements on his actions actually say more about us than they do about him.
I am still learning about the Thoth deck, and about Crowley. I have bought and learned many decks since this second tarot purchase; but I always come back to it. And picking it up again always sends me down a rabbit hole - usually related, but slightly different, to one I have been down before. Just before I left the UK in July this year, I bought the Millennium Thoth deck and, finally, bought the most renowned book companion to Crowley's Book of Thoth (this book is still in a box in customs in Ecuador!!!). It started a journey down another rabbit hole; but I have been consistently surprised by how many times The Tower card has come out in my readings since I bought this Millennium Thoth deck. This is Crowley (and Lady Freida Harris') Tower:
I have never been that interested in using the tarot as a method of divination. I have always used it for self development purposes. And I have learnt through the years that consistently drawing the same card(s) means something. The Tower card usually means a shocking event that rocks you to your core. Depending on where you are at in your self development, it can mean a breakdown of who you actually think you are by forcibly removing all external elements (including people) you use to define yourself; to honing your own Will to the events around you to purge yourself of external elements in your life that no longer serve you. The latter is still traumatic; but its the 'easiest' of all the routes.
I have gone through so many Tower experiences in my life. Both where I was unprepared and semi-prepared for it. They are not pleasant experiences and are especially penetrating because The Tower follows The Devil card. The messages have been coming through for a while that we were becoming addicted to something; that we were using something (or many things) as a crutch (crutches); that if it was ok and we had regular access to it, we'd be ok. We wouldn't have to look that deeply inside ourselves and meet, face-to-face, that emptiness that exists within all of us. The Devil usually means you are covering up this emptiness with something: money, power, alcohol, sex, status, drugs, work, working-out, dysfunctional relationships, etc. And the signs were there that you couldn't cope without it, i.e. not getting enough social media 'likes' / not being able to get to the gym / not being able to have an alcoholic drink / your partner refusing to give you validation and asking you to self-validate / not being able to 'match up' to the status that you permeate about yourself, etc.
The Tower just says, 'The Devil gave you enough warnings and you didn't listen. Now, you dance with me.' And it takes whatever it is away. Forcibly. At the moment you actually need it the most. But, instead, you are left with that emptiness and a fractured understanding of who you really are. And ruins. The Tower likes ruins. It likes you to regularly look at ruins of the life you previously had. When you were so 'happy'. When you slept better. When you could go out socially and be 'on' and no one suspected you were dying inside. But it was still there. You just had other things to focus on. But now you don't and you have to listen to it. This is the real gift of The Tower. From a self-development perspective, it's actually one of my favourite tarot cards. Because I understand what it is trying to do. It never fully takes the venom out from its sting. But, I know in 6 months to a year, I will be sitting in a much better position; having worked out a new dimension to that emptiness and we get a better understanding of each other. But, we never really conquer that emptiness. We temporarily think we do. We just get better at accepting it and ourselves.
Look back of your own life and ask yourself how many Tower experiences you have had. Where everything changed and you were forced to reevaluate who you really are. How has those experiences helped you come to terms with the emptiness inside of you and how you manage it?
Now, to get to the crux of the argument: the cards had been telling me for a while that Ecuador was going to be another Tower experience. So, I expected to come to Ecuador and discover some more 'unforgiving' aspects of myself. Like still being tied to Western morals and values; still being tied to socialisation processes that I outgrew a long, long time ago but have never 'replaced' them with anything else. To have my own knowledge challenged on a fundamental level and be left with no option but to change my flawed ways of thinking. In short, I fully expected (and welcomed) the opportunity to cast out aspects of myself that no longer worked for me. In fact, I was craving it. I thought I was soooooo ready for it.
What I didn't expect was Ecuador to be going through its own personal development, and that it would hit its own Tower experience whilst I was here. A Tower experience that has come from The Devil card - the unequal rise of wealth in the country; a deal with the IMF (literally, the Devil) to impose austerity measures; government and private sector battles with indigenous groups to access natural resources on protected land to pay back debt caused by capitalists and bankers, etc. The warnings were all there. That the road that Ecuador was going down was going to lead to more and more eruptions of tension. This tension hinging on what is 'development' and how that is defined and operated across different socio-cultural groups across Ecuador. The Tower card was President Lenin Moreno announcing that the government would no longer subsidise fuel prices which would lead to the doubling of all fuel costs, which would have a knock-on effect on just about every price imaginable in Ecuador. This has led to an, arguably, left-populist push-back from some socio-cultural groups in Ecuador. And, imho, it has left Ecuador at a point of no return.
We are Day 9 into protests that are not simmering down. We have a stalemate between two juggernauts that is unlikely to be resolved any time soon. We have a President who has, according to some, made a deal with the Devil (IMF). It can't have been an easy decision to make and, yes, I do agree in some respects his hands were tied due to the previous spending of the Correa administration and the ramifications of the global financial crisis. What I don't agree with is how he is trying to swing this populist push-back to the right by blaming Maduro and Venezuela for the situation that Ecuador is now finding itself in. We now have a populist chase for who is the 'better' 'Other': the Venezuelan immigrants, the Correa-era bureaucrats or the pro-neoliberal and austerity Moreno Government. Something I suspect will be thrashed around at the so-called dialogues that are taking place. Dialogues where no one who actually matters, i.e. is a key player, appears to be budging an inch.
I live less than 15km from the capital Quito. It's a nice little suburban town/city with mixed wealth. From my own doorstep, I haven't seen that much of the impact of the anti-austerity protests. In Sangolqui, people seem to want to get on with their lives: to sell their produce at market; to work; to go to school / university; and to go out with their friends. The organisation I am working for had to shut its doors on the 3rd of October. This was due to the bus companies, truckers and taxis agreeing to strike to bring Ecuador to a standstill. This meant that people were unable to travel, and schools and universities quickly sent round notices that they would be shutting too. This has very much been the state of play since the 3rd of October. The organisation I am volunteering for has been shut since the 3rd of October although we have had many meetings about the situation and how we can move forward from it.
The organisation is also experiencing deja vu. Late last year / early this year, Manna made the decision to close its doors in Nicaragua. I have bored almost everyone I know for the last year about what happened in Nicaragua so I will not repeat it here. But, it is fair to make parallels between what is happening in Ecuador now and what happened in Nicaragua (and is still happening tbh). Ecuador is Manna's last site. Without a site, there is really no Manna. So, it's not only a question about ceasing operations in Ecuador; it is a question about whether Manna as an organisation continues. The good news, from my perspective, is that the organisation doesn't seem in a rush to close its doors here. There is panic. We have to follow the United States with regards to security alerts and travel information. Parts of Ecuador are at level 4 which is do not travel. This has affected the travel of the CEO of the organisation and two members of the Board of Trustees who were supposed to visit between the 15th and the 25th of October. But there is also pragmatism. We are not in an physical danger in Sangolqui. And the people around us want to get back to some version of 'normalcy' soon. So, the plan is that we open our doors again on the 15th of October. Watch this space...
Then there was last night. I know a lot of stuff has been happening in Quito that is very sad and divisive; but I'm not referring to that (although last night was particularly troubling in Quito). Last night I made the decision to go and see Joker (Guason) at the local Sangolqui mall. In Spanish, may I add (I tried to go and see the English version to experience Joaquin in all his glory, but it was sold out)? Getting a ticket was an experience in itself. I actually invited people waiting in the line to get a ticket and had to text them all back saying I could only get myself a ticket as the five showings that night (3 dubbed in Spanish, 2 with Spanish subtitles) were sold out. I don't think I will ever forget sitting in that movie theatre watching the last 20 minutes of Guason/Joker. There was something in the air - unspoken, but lingered and was electric. There was a shared understanding in that movie theatre that Ecuador is transforming and has passed the point of no return. How it will look in the future is irreversibly shaped by the events of the 3rd of October 2019. And it made me realise that Sangolqui is not passive in this process. The protests haven't yet arrived at the people's doorsteps here. Before last night I would have been unsure as to how Sangolqui would have responded to that. After last night, I think I have a much better idea.
So, yes, The Tower card wasn't just about me. It was about Ecuador (and, arguably, Manna as well) and what it was about to go through. But, we are interconnected. I live here and will be living here for the foreseeable future (I can't see Manna shutting its doors within the next month, for instance. Although, that could be my Tower experience right there). What Ecuador is going through is gradually chipping away at me. Making me think about how I fight / don't fight for what I believe in; about what really matters to me. Yes, my values and principles. The things that I actually did think were going to change when I was here. But, it's all happening in ways I couldn't have predicted. And mirroring Nicaragua. Be careful what you wish for. Something I seem to be saying a lot to myself in my 30s. Do what thou wilt; as Crowley both advises and warns...
So, I'm here in Ecuador. Trying to build castles in the sky and learning more and more than you can't really plan anything. We get so attached to plans and ways of being because we had 'power' and control in constructing them. At a very deep level, The Tower asks you to let go. To surrender. To let transformation happen and not to be in any rush to fill in the blanks of the spaces / scar tissue left behind. To listen to and begin to enjoy the silence. To get comfortable in those uncomfortable places, and to step back and listen to the excuses your mind makes to get the Hell out of Dodge when actually you need Dodge and you need that Hell to transform.
I'm not going anywhere. Not of my own volition anyway. Whatever this becomes, it is what it becomes. It makes no difference to me if I am still here in a month or on a plane back to the UK. I can reconcile both. I would love to stay here, continue to get to know Ecuador and do all the many things that I want to do. But, I can also go back to the UK, do some writing and make new plans that could only have taken place if Ecuador had happened. So, don't worry about me. I am where I need to be. And if the wind blows to tell me I don't need to be here anymore, I will listen. I am not attached to any outcome... I just want to be, to live, to do, to grow, to transform. And I can do that anywhere. But some places call me. Like Ecuador. Like Nicaragua. Because they have something to teach me. For that, it is all worth it.
Saturday, 28 September 2019
Conundrums, balancing needs with wants, and putting down boundaries
In the last few weeks I have been involved in a number of fairly deep conversations. Most of these conversations concern how people fit the INGO I am volunteering for into their life narratives. One unique aspect in these conversations was that none of the participants needed to be with this INGO. Wants and needs were clearly demarcated. This stopped a lot of 'shut downs', i.e. those who needed the organisation telling those who wanted more from the organisation to be 'realistic'; 'get a grip', etc. This facilitated a number of fascinating conversations about what is core / dominant in our personalities, and how some personality types can reconcile needs with wants 'better' than others.
Such conversations have allowed all of us to examine why we are really here. The advantage of such conversations is that you can go right down to the subconscious level and see that some experiences are actually giving you what you really need, rather than what you really want. But the disadvantage is that you can see how you are playing riddles with yourself, and that an experience is not actually giving you what you need or want. The result of such conversations led to another volunteer deciding that this INGO wasn't for them; and they are leaving on the 30th of September - the date we receive the replacement for the volunteer who left at the beginning of September.
This is not an ideal state to be in. Whilst I have been able to reconcile my own wants and needs on behalf of working in Ecuador and with this particular organisation, the lack of fit between the volunteers and the organisation has meant a lot of responsibilities placed on my shoulders which has interrupted me from doing the things I came here to do. I have been here seven weeks and I have done very little of what is actually on my job description. But, I have been instead been involved in numerous different activities, programmes and duties. These include: doing summer camp for kids; teaching English classes to both adults and children; doing Open Days; leading cooking and nutrition classes; playing games / video games with kids (and adults); art and science classes; and working at reception of the community centre. I have enjoyed the vast majority of these activities. But, they are not representative of what I should be doing here.
So, two things have come out of all this. I have spoken with management and put my foot down with regards to doing duties that are not actually in my job description. I will miss some of these activities (the English classes with some of the kids especially), but I can't really justify staying here to do such activities. Yet, the needs / wants debate rears its head again here. We all have to really look at why we make the decisions we do so we don't push back too hard when things don't turn out the way we wanted them to. I realised that the role was only part of the reason why I came here. And that, with proper boundaries, I could reconcile the difficulties in the environment I am in with what I actually need. But, the key is in asserting those boundaries and doing so in a just way. A skill that is so valuable in many fields.
I will miss my co-worker immensely (she picked me up from the airport when I arrived). And, from time to time, I will lament on what we have lost with her gone. But, for now, I'm still happy to be here and excited about the work I can do here. I'm also very excited that I managed - with very little time at my disposal - to get some writing in. This is the second thing. Yes, that ol' creativity. Sometimes you need to take yourself out of your routine to see how some things are working / not working for you. When I was in the States (and last weekend) I was able to focus on a novel I am writing and I'm very encouraged with my progress. These are all good things. So, for now, I am happy to be where I am.
It will be interesting to see how things are with a 'normal' workload...
Such conversations have allowed all of us to examine why we are really here. The advantage of such conversations is that you can go right down to the subconscious level and see that some experiences are actually giving you what you really need, rather than what you really want. But the disadvantage is that you can see how you are playing riddles with yourself, and that an experience is not actually giving you what you need or want. The result of such conversations led to another volunteer deciding that this INGO wasn't for them; and they are leaving on the 30th of September - the date we receive the replacement for the volunteer who left at the beginning of September.
This is not an ideal state to be in. Whilst I have been able to reconcile my own wants and needs on behalf of working in Ecuador and with this particular organisation, the lack of fit between the volunteers and the organisation has meant a lot of responsibilities placed on my shoulders which has interrupted me from doing the things I came here to do. I have been here seven weeks and I have done very little of what is actually on my job description. But, I have been instead been involved in numerous different activities, programmes and duties. These include: doing summer camp for kids; teaching English classes to both adults and children; doing Open Days; leading cooking and nutrition classes; playing games / video games with kids (and adults); art and science classes; and working at reception of the community centre. I have enjoyed the vast majority of these activities. But, they are not representative of what I should be doing here.
So, two things have come out of all this. I have spoken with management and put my foot down with regards to doing duties that are not actually in my job description. I will miss some of these activities (the English classes with some of the kids especially), but I can't really justify staying here to do such activities. Yet, the needs / wants debate rears its head again here. We all have to really look at why we make the decisions we do so we don't push back too hard when things don't turn out the way we wanted them to. I realised that the role was only part of the reason why I came here. And that, with proper boundaries, I could reconcile the difficulties in the environment I am in with what I actually need. But, the key is in asserting those boundaries and doing so in a just way. A skill that is so valuable in many fields.
I will miss my co-worker immensely (she picked me up from the airport when I arrived). And, from time to time, I will lament on what we have lost with her gone. But, for now, I'm still happy to be here and excited about the work I can do here. I'm also very excited that I managed - with very little time at my disposal - to get some writing in. This is the second thing. Yes, that ol' creativity. Sometimes you need to take yourself out of your routine to see how some things are working / not working for you. When I was in the States (and last weekend) I was able to focus on a novel I am writing and I'm very encouraged with my progress. These are all good things. So, for now, I am happy to be where I am.
It will be interesting to see how things are with a 'normal' workload...
Wednesday, 11 September 2019
Deliverables, collaboration, routine, and higher-level doing and thinking
Another week has passed in my little Ecuadorean bubble. In that time we have lost one volunteer and gained two. We have also recruited for - and filled - thirteen English classes at the centre; are running eight community projects at our community centre, and running eight community programs with partners. We currently have four volunteers to do this. We will gain one more at the end of September, but it is going to be tough.
The good news: we got our green light to recruit local volunteers. We have already had two applications. We are looking to attract more, but the reality is we won't be able the volunteers in place until the middle of next month, which places considerable strain on us. For instance, I am only supposed to be teaching one English class (my role is something different). I am currently teaching four until the fifth volunteer gets here. Then, I will teach two which is more manageable. Ironically, I am the only qualified ESOL teacher out of the five of us. This has translated into me offering workshops on ESOL teaching to the other volunteers. One thing I will say for certain here: my skills are always needed. I'm sure some will disagree, but I have felt for a long time that academia de-skills you. It keeps you in a kind-of repetitive loop and your mind harks back to the days when you were in practice jobs having to think on your feet a lot more and using every little resource and skill you had.
For this alone, I'm very glad to be where I am now. It's a breath of fresh air; although I'm sure, with enough time, it could become it's own repetitive cycle. What also excites me is the group of volunteers I am working with. We are all women, with different professional and academic backgrounds; but very similar values, perspectives and goals. Collaborative working is a model we are all eager to pursue; and seem to recognise in the other skills we don't yet have but would like to grow. This is another breath of fresh air. There is real power in recognising that someone has a very similar skill set to you and that, together, you could accomplish much more than either of you could do alone. It is like that between the four of us (and hopefully number five... we are praying for a Virgo moon) and, as a result, I can see that we are going to accomplish a lot together this year. Inspiring to say the least.
This emerged strongly in our succession of meetings yesterday which began at 10:30am and finished at 6:30pm. The meetings kicked off with an analysis of the role of community development in the practice of international NGOs, and finished with us all agreeing to incorporate a shared definition of sustainability into the monitoring and evaluation of the programs we are running. All things in between were exciting, refreshing and inspiring. It's teamwork thinking. It's trusting the people you work with. At this stage, there is very little 'othering'. The logic of equivalence has done its magic and we all seem to share a similar vision of what 'bad' community development practice is. The shared discourse is emerging, and it will be a real pleasure and privilege to document it. The absolute joys of practising what you preach. It was what my thesis was all about. It was based on a recurring problem I had witnessed in practice in a number of different contexts. But I didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge to be able to deconstruct it in the necessary level of depth. I sat in that meeting yesterday and could actually see floating and empty signifiers coming together in the discussions we were having. I kept smirking to myself. All that crap was worth it. The almost six years of crap, the rolled eyes and the projections behind my back. It works. I knew it would transform my practice, and the practices of others. I just didn't realise how much.
Today I'm off to one of the local universities to finalise a course I am running with them, and then I'm doing a lecture later on this afternoon on bottom-up approaches to international community development. Then, I'm finalising the first workshop I'm leading on ESOL and ESOL methodologies. And then I'm leading a conversation class on a pre-defined sociological topic. Life is good. Exhausting, but good. There is a real satisfaction in knowing you are where you need to be, learning what you need to learn, and doing what you need to do. It's all about the transformation. I've gone through quite a bit already, and I'm just over 1/12 of the way through this. I will be excited to know me at the end of this journey. I hope you will be too.
The good news: we got our green light to recruit local volunteers. We have already had two applications. We are looking to attract more, but the reality is we won't be able the volunteers in place until the middle of next month, which places considerable strain on us. For instance, I am only supposed to be teaching one English class (my role is something different). I am currently teaching four until the fifth volunteer gets here. Then, I will teach two which is more manageable. Ironically, I am the only qualified ESOL teacher out of the five of us. This has translated into me offering workshops on ESOL teaching to the other volunteers. One thing I will say for certain here: my skills are always needed. I'm sure some will disagree, but I have felt for a long time that academia de-skills you. It keeps you in a kind-of repetitive loop and your mind harks back to the days when you were in practice jobs having to think on your feet a lot more and using every little resource and skill you had.
For this alone, I'm very glad to be where I am now. It's a breath of fresh air; although I'm sure, with enough time, it could become it's own repetitive cycle. What also excites me is the group of volunteers I am working with. We are all women, with different professional and academic backgrounds; but very similar values, perspectives and goals. Collaborative working is a model we are all eager to pursue; and seem to recognise in the other skills we don't yet have but would like to grow. This is another breath of fresh air. There is real power in recognising that someone has a very similar skill set to you and that, together, you could accomplish much more than either of you could do alone. It is like that between the four of us (and hopefully number five... we are praying for a Virgo moon) and, as a result, I can see that we are going to accomplish a lot together this year. Inspiring to say the least.
This emerged strongly in our succession of meetings yesterday which began at 10:30am and finished at 6:30pm. The meetings kicked off with an analysis of the role of community development in the practice of international NGOs, and finished with us all agreeing to incorporate a shared definition of sustainability into the monitoring and evaluation of the programs we are running. All things in between were exciting, refreshing and inspiring. It's teamwork thinking. It's trusting the people you work with. At this stage, there is very little 'othering'. The logic of equivalence has done its magic and we all seem to share a similar vision of what 'bad' community development practice is. The shared discourse is emerging, and it will be a real pleasure and privilege to document it. The absolute joys of practising what you preach. It was what my thesis was all about. It was based on a recurring problem I had witnessed in practice in a number of different contexts. But I didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge to be able to deconstruct it in the necessary level of depth. I sat in that meeting yesterday and could actually see floating and empty signifiers coming together in the discussions we were having. I kept smirking to myself. All that crap was worth it. The almost six years of crap, the rolled eyes and the projections behind my back. It works. I knew it would transform my practice, and the practices of others. I just didn't realise how much.
Today I'm off to one of the local universities to finalise a course I am running with them, and then I'm doing a lecture later on this afternoon on bottom-up approaches to international community development. Then, I'm finalising the first workshop I'm leading on ESOL and ESOL methodologies. And then I'm leading a conversation class on a pre-defined sociological topic. Life is good. Exhausting, but good. There is a real satisfaction in knowing you are where you need to be, learning what you need to learn, and doing what you need to do. It's all about the transformation. I've gone through quite a bit already, and I'm just over 1/12 of the way through this. I will be excited to know me at the end of this journey. I hope you will be too.
Monday, 2 September 2019
Four weeks in, expectations and maturity
At 11pm tonight, I will have been in Ecuador for four weeks. Technically, 8% of my time in Ecuador is already gone. Even at this early stage, I think it's a no-brainer to say that this year is going to pass by so fast. For that reason, part of me wants to clutch at every opportunity that becomes available and 'seize the day'. Yes, the other, and more mature, part of me is whispering it's all about getting the balance right. Part of getting that balance right is acknowledging my age and my previous experiences of taking on too much and burning myself out. So, while my in-their-20s housemates are off to explore a nearby waterfall, I'm taking full advantage of my only day off this week by taking it easy and getting my house in order.
I can't really predict what this year is going to bring for me. One month in, I can see the potential to do a number of great things. But, I can also see that, in some arenas, I may have to consolidate and do what needs to be done. This is where I can see my maturity - something I lacked in my 20s and even through some of my 30s. My 20s self would have probably scoffed I was on the road paved with selling out. But, I don't see it that way. With each moment, day and year comes a deeper understanding of who you are; what you need and what you want. These things can cause conflict in our lives, but they can also bring peace and happiness.
I'm very thankful to be in Ecuador right now. For a variety of reasons. I'm sure people will disagree with this, but 8 years is a long time to spend in the one job and in the one place. Although I had mini-moves (Heaton to Walker to Wallsend to Tynemouth) during that time, I do think being consistently surrounded by the same makes you more rigid... less flexible and constrained by particular norms and values. For about three of these eight years, I have been feeling this so acutely. This was a dominant reason why I made this huge change in my life, i.e. volunteering for a US not-for-profit organisation in Ecuador for one year. It has also given me some perspective on another Latin American country that I have been enmeshed with for a very long time. Nicaragua is like an ex you can't quite let go of because everything during that time you were together was in every colour across the spectrum. You've tried other places but they aren't quite as bright. Ecuador is a contender. I can feel those old ghosts start to leave me. They know I'm going in a better direction for me. And they're happy for me.
I'm also learning a lot about expectations and how they can poison the situations you are in. I've watched a fellow volunteer become very bitter that the organisation isn't going to give them the experience they were expecting. I've also watched how this is actually deeper rooted - that other organisations, people and situations have similarly let them down, and they are pushing back a little too hard and unfairly. We have all done this. But, sometimes we don't learn from it and keep pushing back, a little too hard at some people and situations when we are really angry at other people and situations. This volunteer has decided to leave and I think it is the best decision for them and the organisation. But this has reminded me how important it is to step back and ask yourself what is really going on when you are triggered. Who are you really angry at for not giving you validation? There are a lot of echoes here with my job at Northumbria - with both students and staff. It's a real pleasure to be able to take some time out and watch how other people are reacting; and see the parallels with your own behaviour. Ecuador is teaching me much more than I thought it would.
I haven't fully left university life behind though. Later today I need to plan a program I'm running at a local university, and then a lecture that I'm doing via Skype for a university in the US. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if I'm getting closer to that hybrid job I've always dreamed of. I'm so thankful for this. I'm tired, sunburned and out of my element in so many ways. But, the opportunities are coming. Because I took a chance when my heart and soul cried out. Listen to them. They will take you to where you need to go.
Much love from a small land in South America...
I can't really predict what this year is going to bring for me. One month in, I can see the potential to do a number of great things. But, I can also see that, in some arenas, I may have to consolidate and do what needs to be done. This is where I can see my maturity - something I lacked in my 20s and even through some of my 30s. My 20s self would have probably scoffed I was on the road paved with selling out. But, I don't see it that way. With each moment, day and year comes a deeper understanding of who you are; what you need and what you want. These things can cause conflict in our lives, but they can also bring peace and happiness.
I'm very thankful to be in Ecuador right now. For a variety of reasons. I'm sure people will disagree with this, but 8 years is a long time to spend in the one job and in the one place. Although I had mini-moves (Heaton to Walker to Wallsend to Tynemouth) during that time, I do think being consistently surrounded by the same makes you more rigid... less flexible and constrained by particular norms and values. For about three of these eight years, I have been feeling this so acutely. This was a dominant reason why I made this huge change in my life, i.e. volunteering for a US not-for-profit organisation in Ecuador for one year. It has also given me some perspective on another Latin American country that I have been enmeshed with for a very long time. Nicaragua is like an ex you can't quite let go of because everything during that time you were together was in every colour across the spectrum. You've tried other places but they aren't quite as bright. Ecuador is a contender. I can feel those old ghosts start to leave me. They know I'm going in a better direction for me. And they're happy for me.
I'm also learning a lot about expectations and how they can poison the situations you are in. I've watched a fellow volunteer become very bitter that the organisation isn't going to give them the experience they were expecting. I've also watched how this is actually deeper rooted - that other organisations, people and situations have similarly let them down, and they are pushing back a little too hard and unfairly. We have all done this. But, sometimes we don't learn from it and keep pushing back, a little too hard at some people and situations when we are really angry at other people and situations. This volunteer has decided to leave and I think it is the best decision for them and the organisation. But this has reminded me how important it is to step back and ask yourself what is really going on when you are triggered. Who are you really angry at for not giving you validation? There are a lot of echoes here with my job at Northumbria - with both students and staff. It's a real pleasure to be able to take some time out and watch how other people are reacting; and see the parallels with your own behaviour. Ecuador is teaching me much more than I thought it would.
I haven't fully left university life behind though. Later today I need to plan a program I'm running at a local university, and then a lecture that I'm doing via Skype for a university in the US. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if I'm getting closer to that hybrid job I've always dreamed of. I'm so thankful for this. I'm tired, sunburned and out of my element in so many ways. But, the opportunities are coming. Because I took a chance when my heart and soul cried out. Listen to them. They will take you to where you need to go.
Much love from a small land in South America...
Wednesday, 14 August 2019
Ecuador, Manna Project International and learning new ways of being...
I arrived in Ecuador just over a week ago (10:20pm on the 5th of August, to be exact). I don't think I've ever squeezed so much into a week. Two of my housemates whom I will be working with at Manna met me at the airport, and we began the taxi ride back to Manna house in Sangolqui. Sangolqui is a suburb located at the south of Quito. I almost passed out when I got there (I had been travelling since 3am that morning - Dallas to Ft Lauderdale, Ft Lauderdale to Atlanta, and Atlanta to Quito). The next day I was straight into work. The Manna 'philosophy' is to get stuck in to work it all out. There was some handover. We had our team meeting which happens every Tuesday. There were five of us at that meeting. The Country Director, the Manna Centro director, a Program Director who had been in post for a year (and was leaving in two days), and two fellows who had started approximately 2-3 weeks before me. From them, I had some idea of what I would be doing for the next year; although it was clear this could change.
It is a true saying you don't really know what a job / volunteer placement is asking from you until you arrive... 'suck it and see' in a way. From my limited time at Manna so far I can see the organisation is in a period of flux and change. Manna began its operations in Nicaragua, and expanded to Guatemala and Ecuador some years later. Its vision is to cultivate young leaders through grassroots community development work; predominantly in the arenas of health, education and livelihoods. Since its inception, it has been heavily volunteer-focused. This is an organisation that US undergraduates and graduates would consider for an internship - both short-term or long-term. This can be for a number of reasons, which include: (i) to improve their Spanish; (ii) to gain experience working in international community development; (iii) voluntourism, i.e. to use volunteering as a means to travel; (iv) to gain experience in health, education or livelihoods; and (v) to do something completely different. Placements at Manna range from 1 week (spring breakers) to 13 months.
Prior to the arrival of the two fellows and myself, the volunteer roles at Manna consisted of Program Directors, Assistant Program Directors and the shorter-term interns. It has now expanded to include a Director for Research and Program(me)s and Fellows. The sites at Guatemala and Nicaragua have also closed due to a variety of reasons. So, Manna is now the Ecuador site only and there is a shared recognition it needs to develop and adapt to changing times.
I see what's happening at Manna fairly representative of wider scale changes in international development. Organisations that have been financially dependent on volunteers have taken quite a hit due to the backlash of voluntourism, and the introduction of the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) which place a stronger emphasis on bottom-up and holistic development; with sustainable outcomes for the communities involved, not the organisations. This has affected grant and sponsor funding, as well as funding that comes through volunteers. Funders are looking for more evidence that predominantly volunteer-run development organisations are adhering to the SDGs and are putting the needs of communities - rather than volunteers - first. Whilst Manna has always consistently placed the needs of its communities as a core concern, it now needs to make sure that the needs of its volunteers do not overshadow its communities. And volunteers realise they will be able to secure better employment opportunities if they work with an organisation that is recognised as doing 'authentic' community development work.
For me, this is a challenging but ideal context to work in. I've read so much research about this and taught on it, but haven't actually lived through it in practice (it was the Millennium Development Goals when I was last a practitioner). So, my role is helping the organisation to complete its transformation. This is through monitoring, evaluation, training and expansion. All things I am happy to undertake.
There will be a lot of work involved. My days are long and I have to use any extended time I have to explore Ecuador. Which I have been doing. It was a national holiday weekend last week so I went to Tena and Misahualli to explore the Amazonian jungle. It was spectacular. The drive there was even more spectacular. Ecuador is a very beautiful country. It is much greener than I ever expected. Once you get outside Quito, it is just emerald loveliness. I am very lucky to be here. To begin a new chapter of my life surrounded by such loveliness, opportunities and people. It is a real privilege to become acquainted with South America and my impressions so far of Ecuadorean people have impressed me. The local children and volunteers are a breath of fresh air, and the community so kind and welcoming. It really is a pleasure to be here. But, it will be hard work. 12 months will tell if it has been worth it...
It is a true saying you don't really know what a job / volunteer placement is asking from you until you arrive... 'suck it and see' in a way. From my limited time at Manna so far I can see the organisation is in a period of flux and change. Manna began its operations in Nicaragua, and expanded to Guatemala and Ecuador some years later. Its vision is to cultivate young leaders through grassroots community development work; predominantly in the arenas of health, education and livelihoods. Since its inception, it has been heavily volunteer-focused. This is an organisation that US undergraduates and graduates would consider for an internship - both short-term or long-term. This can be for a number of reasons, which include: (i) to improve their Spanish; (ii) to gain experience working in international community development; (iii) voluntourism, i.e. to use volunteering as a means to travel; (iv) to gain experience in health, education or livelihoods; and (v) to do something completely different. Placements at Manna range from 1 week (spring breakers) to 13 months.
Prior to the arrival of the two fellows and myself, the volunteer roles at Manna consisted of Program Directors, Assistant Program Directors and the shorter-term interns. It has now expanded to include a Director for Research and Program(me)s and Fellows. The sites at Guatemala and Nicaragua have also closed due to a variety of reasons. So, Manna is now the Ecuador site only and there is a shared recognition it needs to develop and adapt to changing times.
I see what's happening at Manna fairly representative of wider scale changes in international development. Organisations that have been financially dependent on volunteers have taken quite a hit due to the backlash of voluntourism, and the introduction of the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) which place a stronger emphasis on bottom-up and holistic development; with sustainable outcomes for the communities involved, not the organisations. This has affected grant and sponsor funding, as well as funding that comes through volunteers. Funders are looking for more evidence that predominantly volunteer-run development organisations are adhering to the SDGs and are putting the needs of communities - rather than volunteers - first. Whilst Manna has always consistently placed the needs of its communities as a core concern, it now needs to make sure that the needs of its volunteers do not overshadow its communities. And volunteers realise they will be able to secure better employment opportunities if they work with an organisation that is recognised as doing 'authentic' community development work.
For me, this is a challenging but ideal context to work in. I've read so much research about this and taught on it, but haven't actually lived through it in practice (it was the Millennium Development Goals when I was last a practitioner). So, my role is helping the organisation to complete its transformation. This is through monitoring, evaluation, training and expansion. All things I am happy to undertake.
There will be a lot of work involved. My days are long and I have to use any extended time I have to explore Ecuador. Which I have been doing. It was a national holiday weekend last week so I went to Tena and Misahualli to explore the Amazonian jungle. It was spectacular. The drive there was even more spectacular. Ecuador is a very beautiful country. It is much greener than I ever expected. Once you get outside Quito, it is just emerald loveliness. I am very lucky to be here. To begin a new chapter of my life surrounded by such loveliness, opportunities and people. It is a real privilege to become acquainted with South America and my impressions so far of Ecuadorean people have impressed me. The local children and volunteers are a breath of fresh air, and the community so kind and welcoming. It really is a pleasure to be here. But, it will be hard work. 12 months will tell if it has been worth it...
Sunday, 4 August 2019
Travelling, conferences, holidays and taking stock...
It's been over three weeks since I left the UK. In that time I have presented two papers at the Community Development Society annual conference in Columbia, Missouri; had baggage delayed and been grounded in an airport for over a day (St Louis Lambert); visited various cities and towns in four different states (Missouri, Colorado, Utah and Texas); caught up with old friends and made some new ones; and had an extended break from my day job. In some ways, I feel like a new person already. Both travelling and self-work are chicken soup for my soul. But it's the opportunity to do both for extended periods of time that really makes the difference.
I've had some time to switch off the 'be productive' inner voice that usually convinces me to do some work whilst I'm on holiday. It has been much needed. Although I'm due to leave the US early tomorrow morning and I've done very little preparation work for Ecuador, I am patting myself on the back for not falling into the all-too-easy trap which is to have used holiday time to prepare for what was coming next. It really is important to give yourself time to rest and to switch your mind off from work.
Before I left the UK, I was having some health problems. These ranged from quite severe pain in my neck, shoulder and back; headaches caused by eye strain and double-vision, and an irregular excess heartbeat. I had been doing yoga and pilates regularly; going to a physiotherapist; had botox surgery in my left eye, and had all my bloods tested (thankfully, all my major organs are doing just fine). So, I was managing it all - but it was managing. I can't explain the difference I feel having given myself two weeks of holiday away from my life in the UK. A life that consisted of a demanding job with a number of writing commitments; selling pretty much everything that I owned; packing up what was left to either go into storage (work and the mothership's), charity shops or the recycling tip; sorting out the terms and conditions of my career break, and itineraries / VISA necessities. I was stressed and exhausted. So, I feel more like me than I have for a long time. This includes not being in so much physical pain and carrying so much tension.
Yet... tomorrow I leave for Ecuador. Having had time to recuperate, I now feel physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually ready for it. But, I paid attention to the panic: panic that I hadn't done 'enough' preparation and that I shouldn't have taken such a break. It's when you give yourself permission to stop and actually listen to how your mind works, you start to really see how over-work and burnout actually happens. We think we know, but we don't really until we see how we police ourselves. Of course, this doesn't occur in a vacuum and it never is our fault for thinking like this. It is a commonly-shared symptom of quite an unhealthy society. I'm very thankful for the space I've had in the US to recuperate. Eating, reading, sleeping and meditating far too much. It has been an absolute tonic.
I'm not getting back on the merry-go-round. I want to do a very good job in Ecuador. But, I'm not getting into the same state to do it. This will be a good year for me. To learn healthier boundaries and find a different work-life balance... one that will work better for me in the future. This year is time to make new routines and stick to them. So, it will involve unlearning some of the things I have taken for granted for a long time. It's not going to be easy, but it is much needed. A journey worth taking.
To all (hehe) my readers out there... I hope you are well and are getting a well-needed rest. Much love from the US xxx
I've had some time to switch off the 'be productive' inner voice that usually convinces me to do some work whilst I'm on holiday. It has been much needed. Although I'm due to leave the US early tomorrow morning and I've done very little preparation work for Ecuador, I am patting myself on the back for not falling into the all-too-easy trap which is to have used holiday time to prepare for what was coming next. It really is important to give yourself time to rest and to switch your mind off from work.
Before I left the UK, I was having some health problems. These ranged from quite severe pain in my neck, shoulder and back; headaches caused by eye strain and double-vision, and an irregular excess heartbeat. I had been doing yoga and pilates regularly; going to a physiotherapist; had botox surgery in my left eye, and had all my bloods tested (thankfully, all my major organs are doing just fine). So, I was managing it all - but it was managing. I can't explain the difference I feel having given myself two weeks of holiday away from my life in the UK. A life that consisted of a demanding job with a number of writing commitments; selling pretty much everything that I owned; packing up what was left to either go into storage (work and the mothership's), charity shops or the recycling tip; sorting out the terms and conditions of my career break, and itineraries / VISA necessities. I was stressed and exhausted. So, I feel more like me than I have for a long time. This includes not being in so much physical pain and carrying so much tension.
Yet... tomorrow I leave for Ecuador. Having had time to recuperate, I now feel physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually ready for it. But, I paid attention to the panic: panic that I hadn't done 'enough' preparation and that I shouldn't have taken such a break. It's when you give yourself permission to stop and actually listen to how your mind works, you start to really see how over-work and burnout actually happens. We think we know, but we don't really until we see how we police ourselves. Of course, this doesn't occur in a vacuum and it never is our fault for thinking like this. It is a commonly-shared symptom of quite an unhealthy society. I'm very thankful for the space I've had in the US to recuperate. Eating, reading, sleeping and meditating far too much. It has been an absolute tonic.
I'm not getting back on the merry-go-round. I want to do a very good job in Ecuador. But, I'm not getting into the same state to do it. This will be a good year for me. To learn healthier boundaries and find a different work-life balance... one that will work better for me in the future. This year is time to make new routines and stick to them. So, it will involve unlearning some of the things I have taken for granted for a long time. It's not going to be easy, but it is much needed. A journey worth taking.
To all (hehe) my readers out there... I hope you are well and are getting a well-needed rest. Much love from the US xxx
Sunday, 16 June 2019
Why volunteer? Why Ecuador? Why now?
This blog aims to document not only the work I undertake in Ecuador, but the learning I accrue from it. It is about transformation. Chiefly, it is about how I will transform the way I see and theorise about the world by engaging in practice in a country and culture that is very different from my own.
As is visible from my profile, I have a background in both practice and academia. In my undergraduate days, my original plan was to enter into a career doing government research around social welfare issues. This was radically transformed in the summer of 2004 where I undertook a 3 month internship in Chicago, USA. I worked with socially marginalised children and young people using informal and non-formal education methods. I then returned to the UK to study a Masters in Social Research at the Department of Government at Strathclyde University. I used this opportunity to do my thesis on researching deprived children and young people's lives one area of Scotland. The seed was planted that I wanted to do hands-on work with children and young people in addition to research. Just doing research wasn't going to affect children and young people's day-to-day lives. I already had six years of academia behind me (BA, MA, MSc). So, I entered the workforce; doing sessional work, volunteering and agency work to get the relevant experience to be a good practitioner.
I stood out like a sore thumb in most of the settings due to my qualifications. But, I was generally accepted due to my class background (working class from a deprived area in the central belt of Scotland). I remember those years as hard graft; learning from observing others, and learning from my own mistakes. I soon recognised that to get employment in any decent positions working with children and young people, I would have to gain a 'professional' qualification. Synchronicity gave me a helping hand when an old school friend got in touch and said she'd been accepted on to the postgraduate course in community education course at Strathclyde University; starting October 2006. I applied, went for an interview and was accepted pending the completion of a successful portfolio and practice references. I gained confirmation of acceptance two weeks before the course started.
I emerged from this course as a qualified youth worker, community development worker and adult educator. I also emerged with a greater interest in community development following a four month work placement with the Australian Red Cross in Sydney, Australia. I had a tough choice in mid-2007 - whether to do a PhD (I had been offered one and had successfully applied for another) or whether to return to practice. In another mad dash of synchronicity, I was talking with the Education, Children and Young People Services manager for New South Wales at the Australian Red Cross, and he advised not to do the PhD but to travel. His own travels in Central America had cemented exactly what he wanted to do, and he had been building from this ever since. As a result, I returned to the UK, rejected both offers to do a PhD, and gained two part-time roles as a youth volunteer coordinator for a charity, and as an access and development worker for another charity that focused on adult education. And I saved up to travel to Central America. Where I did a variety of different development and education roles for three years.
There is much more to the story (I will write an autobiography one day). But, it's 2019 and I now have a PhD in community development. And I'm working in a full-time, permanent post in academia. But, I wanted to outline the above to highlight a productive pattern in my life - that I learn equally, but in different ways, from both practice and academia. I use both symbiotically to advance my own knowledge and understanding of the world, the worlds of children and young people across the globe, and what roles development and education have in these changing landscapes. So, I've decided to return to practice for one year to continue this growth. I find I stagnate in the one environment for too long. Being in the other reinvigorates me and I return with new insights that I can share with others. That is the why for why now.
The volunteering is for two reasons. One, I took a career break for a year which means I cannot take up a full-time salary or employment somewhere else. That would be a career secondment. Secondly, for the role that I have been offered. I will be professionally volunteering as the Director for Programme Research and Development for an international NGO. I will be doing both research and more hands-on practitioner work for the entire year I am there. This is a fantastic role and the INGO will be supporting me financially through providing my accommodation, food and VISA costs. So, that's why volunteer.
The why Ecuador is another example of synchronicity. When living in Nicaragua I had repeatedly heard about a great INGO who did some good work in Nicaragua. I got in touch with them and said they didn't have any paid roles in Nicaragua but had one coming up in Ecuador. I applied for that role but didn't get it. But, the feedback was amazing. The feedback was that I had true passion for development, education and children / young people, and that I should keep applying for posts that came up, although they did take a while to emerge. This is the same INGO I will be volunteering with in Ecuador. I never applied for another job with them, as I made the decision to return back to the UK to recuperate from glandular fever and to do a PhD.
As I look back on my life, I can see that I have made choices / turns at crossroads; and years later I have come back to a similar crossroad with the other choice / turn before me again. I have since interpreted this to mean that if I am supposed to do something, it will come back at another time and re-present itself to me. I could have stayed in Nicaragua longer; choosing to see out the worst of the glandular fever and rejecting the PhD path for the third time. This may have allowed me to work with the INGO in either Ecuador or Nicaragua shortly after. But, the PhD had re-appeared at the crossroads and it looked more attractive, and a better option, than it did four years previous. You could argue that the INGO opportunity in Ecuador is something that I was always supposed to do. This is why it has re-appeared at the crossroads eight years later. I believe this and that's why I have taken this opportunity. Because the signs are all there it is part of my journey in this wonder we call life.
So, this blog will document this part of the journey. Another chapter in the Book of Andie. It's not going to be easy. My Spanish is rusty and my vocabulary has constricted considerably. I have also been working in a western institution for eight years where I am used to certain ways of working. I am also a decade older than the Andie who rocked up to Nicaragua to volunteer for eight months and ended up staying for three years. But, I do have some more things to offer. I am a much better researcher and writer. My time management skills have also improved substantively and I can work on my own initiative more easily. Most importantly, I am ready for this. I am ready to open up to new ways of being, thinking and doing; and to learn from whatever comes my way. I am not asking this opportunity to give me a particular experience. I am allowing this opportunity to give me the experience I need. People say that the older you get, the harder it is to change. I've never found that. I've found that the older I get the more easily I'm willing to surrender to what life needs to teach me. As long as it doesn't try to make me become something I am clearly not, I will commit to that experience. However transitory or enduring it will become. I hope that is enough.
In just over seven weeks I will be in Ecuador. I hope you will find this blog interesting...
As is visible from my profile, I have a background in both practice and academia. In my undergraduate days, my original plan was to enter into a career doing government research around social welfare issues. This was radically transformed in the summer of 2004 where I undertook a 3 month internship in Chicago, USA. I worked with socially marginalised children and young people using informal and non-formal education methods. I then returned to the UK to study a Masters in Social Research at the Department of Government at Strathclyde University. I used this opportunity to do my thesis on researching deprived children and young people's lives one area of Scotland. The seed was planted that I wanted to do hands-on work with children and young people in addition to research. Just doing research wasn't going to affect children and young people's day-to-day lives. I already had six years of academia behind me (BA, MA, MSc). So, I entered the workforce; doing sessional work, volunteering and agency work to get the relevant experience to be a good practitioner.
I stood out like a sore thumb in most of the settings due to my qualifications. But, I was generally accepted due to my class background (working class from a deprived area in the central belt of Scotland). I remember those years as hard graft; learning from observing others, and learning from my own mistakes. I soon recognised that to get employment in any decent positions working with children and young people, I would have to gain a 'professional' qualification. Synchronicity gave me a helping hand when an old school friend got in touch and said she'd been accepted on to the postgraduate course in community education course at Strathclyde University; starting October 2006. I applied, went for an interview and was accepted pending the completion of a successful portfolio and practice references. I gained confirmation of acceptance two weeks before the course started.
I emerged from this course as a qualified youth worker, community development worker and adult educator. I also emerged with a greater interest in community development following a four month work placement with the Australian Red Cross in Sydney, Australia. I had a tough choice in mid-2007 - whether to do a PhD (I had been offered one and had successfully applied for another) or whether to return to practice. In another mad dash of synchronicity, I was talking with the Education, Children and Young People Services manager for New South Wales at the Australian Red Cross, and he advised not to do the PhD but to travel. His own travels in Central America had cemented exactly what he wanted to do, and he had been building from this ever since. As a result, I returned to the UK, rejected both offers to do a PhD, and gained two part-time roles as a youth volunteer coordinator for a charity, and as an access and development worker for another charity that focused on adult education. And I saved up to travel to Central America. Where I did a variety of different development and education roles for three years.
There is much more to the story (I will write an autobiography one day). But, it's 2019 and I now have a PhD in community development. And I'm working in a full-time, permanent post in academia. But, I wanted to outline the above to highlight a productive pattern in my life - that I learn equally, but in different ways, from both practice and academia. I use both symbiotically to advance my own knowledge and understanding of the world, the worlds of children and young people across the globe, and what roles development and education have in these changing landscapes. So, I've decided to return to practice for one year to continue this growth. I find I stagnate in the one environment for too long. Being in the other reinvigorates me and I return with new insights that I can share with others. That is the why for why now.
The volunteering is for two reasons. One, I took a career break for a year which means I cannot take up a full-time salary or employment somewhere else. That would be a career secondment. Secondly, for the role that I have been offered. I will be professionally volunteering as the Director for Programme Research and Development for an international NGO. I will be doing both research and more hands-on practitioner work for the entire year I am there. This is a fantastic role and the INGO will be supporting me financially through providing my accommodation, food and VISA costs. So, that's why volunteer.
The why Ecuador is another example of synchronicity. When living in Nicaragua I had repeatedly heard about a great INGO who did some good work in Nicaragua. I got in touch with them and said they didn't have any paid roles in Nicaragua but had one coming up in Ecuador. I applied for that role but didn't get it. But, the feedback was amazing. The feedback was that I had true passion for development, education and children / young people, and that I should keep applying for posts that came up, although they did take a while to emerge. This is the same INGO I will be volunteering with in Ecuador. I never applied for another job with them, as I made the decision to return back to the UK to recuperate from glandular fever and to do a PhD.
As I look back on my life, I can see that I have made choices / turns at crossroads; and years later I have come back to a similar crossroad with the other choice / turn before me again. I have since interpreted this to mean that if I am supposed to do something, it will come back at another time and re-present itself to me. I could have stayed in Nicaragua longer; choosing to see out the worst of the glandular fever and rejecting the PhD path for the third time. This may have allowed me to work with the INGO in either Ecuador or Nicaragua shortly after. But, the PhD had re-appeared at the crossroads and it looked more attractive, and a better option, than it did four years previous. You could argue that the INGO opportunity in Ecuador is something that I was always supposed to do. This is why it has re-appeared at the crossroads eight years later. I believe this and that's why I have taken this opportunity. Because the signs are all there it is part of my journey in this wonder we call life.
So, this blog will document this part of the journey. Another chapter in the Book of Andie. It's not going to be easy. My Spanish is rusty and my vocabulary has constricted considerably. I have also been working in a western institution for eight years where I am used to certain ways of working. I am also a decade older than the Andie who rocked up to Nicaragua to volunteer for eight months and ended up staying for three years. But, I do have some more things to offer. I am a much better researcher and writer. My time management skills have also improved substantively and I can work on my own initiative more easily. Most importantly, I am ready for this. I am ready to open up to new ways of being, thinking and doing; and to learn from whatever comes my way. I am not asking this opportunity to give me a particular experience. I am allowing this opportunity to give me the experience I need. People say that the older you get, the harder it is to change. I've never found that. I've found that the older I get the more easily I'm willing to surrender to what life needs to teach me. As long as it doesn't try to make me become something I am clearly not, I will commit to that experience. However transitory or enduring it will become. I hope that is enough.
In just over seven weeks I will be in Ecuador. I hope you will find this blog interesting...
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