This blog post is going to be different from the last. A self reflective theme will likely remain, but the subject matter is quite different. Ecuador is back to 'normal'. Not long after I wrote the last blog post, Sangolqui started to respond to the protests which I think was echoed in many places outside of the bigger cities. The curfew enforced by the Ecuadorian Government throughout the Chillos Valley wasn't, with hindsight, the smartest move and the people responded in force - including some who had not been motivated to act previously.
It was a very interesting weekend. There were WhatsApp messages asking for photos of our passports and advising us to pack a small bag 'just in case'. A large tank of gasoline also ended up at our house in case we needed a car in an emergency but it was out of gas / petrol (I am becoming Americanis(z)ed). One of the volunteers was particularly shook up by the protests taking place outside our door and spent over an hour locked in one of the bathrooms on the phone to the US. Then, it all seemed to 'calm down'. The indigenous groups (and, particularly, the indigenous leader) agreed to a dialogue with President Moreno the following day. Things flared up again when it appeared the dialogue would not take place; but then it did and an 'agreement' was reached. The next day was clean up. People came out in equal force to clean up their beloved country to get things back to 'normal'.
Although I am very pleased with the outcome of the dialogue (it was basically a two-fingered salute to the IMF and neoliberalism), I do realise that there are other issues going on here that were suspended in this 'coalition'. It's still a stalemate here in some regards. Having the ability to speak to people face-to-face after such an event is a real privilege. It has let me realise that neither Moreno nor the indigenous groups represent the vast majority of Ecuadorians; and that this is still simmering under the surface. But, it is a good result for Ecuador (overall), Manna and I. I'm not going anywhere soon and I returned back to the centro on Tuesday the 15th of October.
This 'pause' has given me enough space and time to make a switch in my head with regards to roles. The good news: I am now doing pretty much the role I came over here to do. Finally. There is still overlap (I'm doing way more than 40 hours a week), but I'm getting to flex the muscles I wanted to flex here. This means a lot more monitoring and evaluation, and volunteer management. I'm still teaching a lot. But, I've never been able to fully escape that. A student pretty much summed it up last night: 'you have a good energy, Andie. It makes people want to listen to you and we can't help but respond to you.' Lovely. Very lovely. And not the first time I've been told that by a long shot.
All this has given me some scope to think (when I've had time). It's no secret to those who know me well that I've been craving a 'hybrid' job for a while. I love theory and love discussing how we can use it to change the world (not just according to me). But, if I can't actually practically apply it and see the conundrums of how it works on the ground, I get frustrated. Conversely, if I'm just watching how other people's theories materialise in practice, I get equally frustrated. So, I've always known that I needed both together. And I needed conversations not just with university staff and students, but those on the ground, in communities, who are living and responding to their lives. I'm getting much more of that nexus here; and I can see that I would be able to balance both of these quite well in daily life. With the right routines in place, of course.
So, why Ecuador? I really like it here and I'm beyond thankful that I made the decision to come here. To uproot myself once again and take a chance on something different. But, I'm slowly realising that I didn't really need to do this. The reality is, I have changed substantively since my 20s. Being in Latin America again has allowed me to actually see the trees and not just the forest. In my 20s I wasn't very happy in myself and was looking for some sense of 'belonging'. Nicaragua, with its more open ways of being (in some regards) and its disinterest in my background and what I had 'achieved' in life, gave me the necessary space to break out of some socialisation patterns and be reborn in a lot of different ways.
I think I half-expected Ecuador to do the same thing. After eight years of doing a very difficult doctorate and working in a very achievement focused environment (academia), I felt I needed a similar experience to Nicaragua to help me break out of 'faulty' ways of being. But, the truth is: I'm alright. I actually don't need to do anything drastic or purge anything from me. I just needed some space to decompress and fall in love with the little things of life again. The things that are in the UK and anywhere really, but they are just more noticeable here because they are packaged differently. And I've realised that's what travelling is. It's just some time out to notice the beauty that is already in your life but got obscured in all the mundane.
So, what does this mean? Quite scarily (for me), it means that somewhere over the last 11 years I have stabilised considerably and that what I thought I needed isn't actually what I need at all. I think I always expected to find some place that would 'fit' better than all the rest. But, actually, it's the combination of factors around that place that is what makes it fit. In some ways, I am a turtle and I can take my home with me anywhere to start all over again. But, the stuff in the shell isn't actually the most important stuff. It's both what's inside your heart and what you create in the spaces around you. Whilst I have no doubt I could create (and am creating) beautiful spaces here, some things actually are irreplaceable. I always 'knew' that, but I never really felt it. I do now.
Some big conclusions coming out so early in the journey. I didn't expect that. And I didn't expect how I feel now. But, that's ok. I'm ok. And however this ends... that's going to be ok also.
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