Beautiful, aren't they?
This deck sparked a real interest in paganism; an interest I have also maintained. But, like most things, it has waxed and waned. This deck led to more questions - I thought the tarot was much more embedded in numerology and astrology? This led to my discovery of the Aleister Crowley's Thoth deck. For those who have been living under rocks, Aleister Crowley is an infamous member of the Esoteric / Magical Order of the Golden Dawn. He was pivotal in its dismantling (although variants of it still exist today) and formed his own esoteric / magical order known as Thelema. In short, 'Do what thou wilt.' For all Crowley's faults (and he had many), his life is a documentary on the positives and negatives of applying your Will. He was a gifted magician. I am not going to get into what magic is and isn't in this blog post; but Crowley was regarded by most as especially adept at using his Will and the elements around him in unison. Our individual and societal judgements on his actions actually say more about us than they do about him.
I am still learning about the Thoth deck, and about Crowley. I have bought and learned many decks since this second tarot purchase; but I always come back to it. And picking it up again always sends me down a rabbit hole - usually related, but slightly different, to one I have been down before. Just before I left the UK in July this year, I bought the Millennium Thoth deck and, finally, bought the most renowned book companion to Crowley's Book of Thoth (this book is still in a box in customs in Ecuador!!!). It started a journey down another rabbit hole; but I have been consistently surprised by how many times The Tower card has come out in my readings since I bought this Millennium Thoth deck. This is Crowley (and Lady Freida Harris') Tower:
I have never been that interested in using the tarot as a method of divination. I have always used it for self development purposes. And I have learnt through the years that consistently drawing the same card(s) means something. The Tower card usually means a shocking event that rocks you to your core. Depending on where you are at in your self development, it can mean a breakdown of who you actually think you are by forcibly removing all external elements (including people) you use to define yourself; to honing your own Will to the events around you to purge yourself of external elements in your life that no longer serve you. The latter is still traumatic; but its the 'easiest' of all the routes.
I have gone through so many Tower experiences in my life. Both where I was unprepared and semi-prepared for it. They are not pleasant experiences and are especially penetrating because The Tower follows The Devil card. The messages have been coming through for a while that we were becoming addicted to something; that we were using something (or many things) as a crutch (crutches); that if it was ok and we had regular access to it, we'd be ok. We wouldn't have to look that deeply inside ourselves and meet, face-to-face, that emptiness that exists within all of us. The Devil usually means you are covering up this emptiness with something: money, power, alcohol, sex, status, drugs, work, working-out, dysfunctional relationships, etc. And the signs were there that you couldn't cope without it, i.e. not getting enough social media 'likes' / not being able to get to the gym / not being able to have an alcoholic drink / your partner refusing to give you validation and asking you to self-validate / not being able to 'match up' to the status that you permeate about yourself, etc.
The Tower just says, 'The Devil gave you enough warnings and you didn't listen. Now, you dance with me.' And it takes whatever it is away. Forcibly. At the moment you actually need it the most. But, instead, you are left with that emptiness and a fractured understanding of who you really are. And ruins. The Tower likes ruins. It likes you to regularly look at ruins of the life you previously had. When you were so 'happy'. When you slept better. When you could go out socially and be 'on' and no one suspected you were dying inside. But it was still there. You just had other things to focus on. But now you don't and you have to listen to it. This is the real gift of The Tower. From a self-development perspective, it's actually one of my favourite tarot cards. Because I understand what it is trying to do. It never fully takes the venom out from its sting. But, I know in 6 months to a year, I will be sitting in a much better position; having worked out a new dimension to that emptiness and we get a better understanding of each other. But, we never really conquer that emptiness. We temporarily think we do. We just get better at accepting it and ourselves.
Look back of your own life and ask yourself how many Tower experiences you have had. Where everything changed and you were forced to reevaluate who you really are. How has those experiences helped you come to terms with the emptiness inside of you and how you manage it?
Now, to get to the crux of the argument: the cards had been telling me for a while that Ecuador was going to be another Tower experience. So, I expected to come to Ecuador and discover some more 'unforgiving' aspects of myself. Like still being tied to Western morals and values; still being tied to socialisation processes that I outgrew a long, long time ago but have never 'replaced' them with anything else. To have my own knowledge challenged on a fundamental level and be left with no option but to change my flawed ways of thinking. In short, I fully expected (and welcomed) the opportunity to cast out aspects of myself that no longer worked for me. In fact, I was craving it. I thought I was soooooo ready for it.
What I didn't expect was Ecuador to be going through its own personal development, and that it would hit its own Tower experience whilst I was here. A Tower experience that has come from The Devil card - the unequal rise of wealth in the country; a deal with the IMF (literally, the Devil) to impose austerity measures; government and private sector battles with indigenous groups to access natural resources on protected land to pay back debt caused by capitalists and bankers, etc. The warnings were all there. That the road that Ecuador was going down was going to lead to more and more eruptions of tension. This tension hinging on what is 'development' and how that is defined and operated across different socio-cultural groups across Ecuador. The Tower card was President Lenin Moreno announcing that the government would no longer subsidise fuel prices which would lead to the doubling of all fuel costs, which would have a knock-on effect on just about every price imaginable in Ecuador. This has led to an, arguably, left-populist push-back from some socio-cultural groups in Ecuador. And, imho, it has left Ecuador at a point of no return.
We are Day 9 into protests that are not simmering down. We have a stalemate between two juggernauts that is unlikely to be resolved any time soon. We have a President who has, according to some, made a deal with the Devil (IMF). It can't have been an easy decision to make and, yes, I do agree in some respects his hands were tied due to the previous spending of the Correa administration and the ramifications of the global financial crisis. What I don't agree with is how he is trying to swing this populist push-back to the right by blaming Maduro and Venezuela for the situation that Ecuador is now finding itself in. We now have a populist chase for who is the 'better' 'Other': the Venezuelan immigrants, the Correa-era bureaucrats or the pro-neoliberal and austerity Moreno Government. Something I suspect will be thrashed around at the so-called dialogues that are taking place. Dialogues where no one who actually matters, i.e. is a key player, appears to be budging an inch.
I live less than 15km from the capital Quito. It's a nice little suburban town/city with mixed wealth. From my own doorstep, I haven't seen that much of the impact of the anti-austerity protests. In Sangolqui, people seem to want to get on with their lives: to sell their produce at market; to work; to go to school / university; and to go out with their friends. The organisation I am working for had to shut its doors on the 3rd of October. This was due to the bus companies, truckers and taxis agreeing to strike to bring Ecuador to a standstill. This meant that people were unable to travel, and schools and universities quickly sent round notices that they would be shutting too. This has very much been the state of play since the 3rd of October. The organisation I am volunteering for has been shut since the 3rd of October although we have had many meetings about the situation and how we can move forward from it.
The organisation is also experiencing deja vu. Late last year / early this year, Manna made the decision to close its doors in Nicaragua. I have bored almost everyone I know for the last year about what happened in Nicaragua so I will not repeat it here. But, it is fair to make parallels between what is happening in Ecuador now and what happened in Nicaragua (and is still happening tbh). Ecuador is Manna's last site. Without a site, there is really no Manna. So, it's not only a question about ceasing operations in Ecuador; it is a question about whether Manna as an organisation continues. The good news, from my perspective, is that the organisation doesn't seem in a rush to close its doors here. There is panic. We have to follow the United States with regards to security alerts and travel information. Parts of Ecuador are at level 4 which is do not travel. This has affected the travel of the CEO of the organisation and two members of the Board of Trustees who were supposed to visit between the 15th and the 25th of October. But there is also pragmatism. We are not in an physical danger in Sangolqui. And the people around us want to get back to some version of 'normalcy' soon. So, the plan is that we open our doors again on the 15th of October. Watch this space...
Then there was last night. I know a lot of stuff has been happening in Quito that is very sad and divisive; but I'm not referring to that (although last night was particularly troubling in Quito). Last night I made the decision to go and see Joker (Guason) at the local Sangolqui mall. In Spanish, may I add (I tried to go and see the English version to experience Joaquin in all his glory, but it was sold out)? Getting a ticket was an experience in itself. I actually invited people waiting in the line to get a ticket and had to text them all back saying I could only get myself a ticket as the five showings that night (3 dubbed in Spanish, 2 with Spanish subtitles) were sold out. I don't think I will ever forget sitting in that movie theatre watching the last 20 minutes of Guason/Joker. There was something in the air - unspoken, but lingered and was electric. There was a shared understanding in that movie theatre that Ecuador is transforming and has passed the point of no return. How it will look in the future is irreversibly shaped by the events of the 3rd of October 2019. And it made me realise that Sangolqui is not passive in this process. The protests haven't yet arrived at the people's doorsteps here. Before last night I would have been unsure as to how Sangolqui would have responded to that. After last night, I think I have a much better idea.
So, yes, The Tower card wasn't just about me. It was about Ecuador (and, arguably, Manna as well) and what it was about to go through. But, we are interconnected. I live here and will be living here for the foreseeable future (I can't see Manna shutting its doors within the next month, for instance. Although, that could be my Tower experience right there). What Ecuador is going through is gradually chipping away at me. Making me think about how I fight / don't fight for what I believe in; about what really matters to me. Yes, my values and principles. The things that I actually did think were going to change when I was here. But, it's all happening in ways I couldn't have predicted. And mirroring Nicaragua. Be careful what you wish for. Something I seem to be saying a lot to myself in my 30s. Do what thou wilt; as Crowley both advises and warns...
So, I'm here in Ecuador. Trying to build castles in the sky and learning more and more than you can't really plan anything. We get so attached to plans and ways of being because we had 'power' and control in constructing them. At a very deep level, The Tower asks you to let go. To surrender. To let transformation happen and not to be in any rush to fill in the blanks of the spaces / scar tissue left behind. To listen to and begin to enjoy the silence. To get comfortable in those uncomfortable places, and to step back and listen to the excuses your mind makes to get the Hell out of Dodge when actually you need Dodge and you need that Hell to transform.
I'm not going anywhere. Not of my own volition anyway. Whatever this becomes, it is what it becomes. It makes no difference to me if I am still here in a month or on a plane back to the UK. I can reconcile both. I would love to stay here, continue to get to know Ecuador and do all the many things that I want to do. But, I can also go back to the UK, do some writing and make new plans that could only have taken place if Ecuador had happened. So, don't worry about me. I am where I need to be. And if the wind blows to tell me I don't need to be here anymore, I will listen. I am not attached to any outcome... I just want to be, to live, to do, to grow, to transform. And I can do that anywhere. But some places call me. Like Ecuador. Like Nicaragua. Because they have something to teach me. For that, it is all worth it.
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