At 11pm tonight, I will have been in Ecuador for four weeks. Technically, 8% of my time in Ecuador is already gone. Even at this early stage, I think it's a no-brainer to say that this year is going to pass by so fast. For that reason, part of me wants to clutch at every opportunity that becomes available and 'seize the day'. Yes, the other, and more mature, part of me is whispering it's all about getting the balance right. Part of getting that balance right is acknowledging my age and my previous experiences of taking on too much and burning myself out. So, while my in-their-20s housemates are off to explore a nearby waterfall, I'm taking full advantage of my only day off this week by taking it easy and getting my house in order.
I can't really predict what this year is going to bring for me. One month in, I can see the potential to do a number of great things. But, I can also see that, in some arenas, I may have to consolidate and do what needs to be done. This is where I can see my maturity - something I lacked in my 20s and even through some of my 30s. My 20s self would have probably scoffed I was on the road paved with selling out. But, I don't see it that way. With each moment, day and year comes a deeper understanding of who you are; what you need and what you want. These things can cause conflict in our lives, but they can also bring peace and happiness.
I'm very thankful to be in Ecuador right now. For a variety of reasons. I'm sure people will disagree with this, but 8 years is a long time to spend in the one job and in the one place. Although I had mini-moves (Heaton to Walker to Wallsend to Tynemouth) during that time, I do think being consistently surrounded by the same makes you more rigid... less flexible and constrained by particular norms and values. For about three of these eight years, I have been feeling this so acutely. This was a dominant reason why I made this huge change in my life, i.e. volunteering for a US not-for-profit organisation in Ecuador for one year. It has also given me some perspective on another Latin American country that I have been enmeshed with for a very long time. Nicaragua is like an ex you can't quite let go of because everything during that time you were together was in every colour across the spectrum. You've tried other places but they aren't quite as bright. Ecuador is a contender. I can feel those old ghosts start to leave me. They know I'm going in a better direction for me. And they're happy for me.
I'm also learning a lot about expectations and how they can poison the situations you are in. I've watched a fellow volunteer become very bitter that the organisation isn't going to give them the experience they were expecting. I've also watched how this is actually deeper rooted - that other organisations, people and situations have similarly let them down, and they are pushing back a little too hard and unfairly. We have all done this. But, sometimes we don't learn from it and keep pushing back, a little too hard at some people and situations when we are really angry at other people and situations. This volunteer has decided to leave and I think it is the best decision for them and the organisation. But this has reminded me how important it is to step back and ask yourself what is really going on when you are triggered. Who are you really angry at for not giving you validation? There are a lot of echoes here with my job at Northumbria - with both students and staff. It's a real pleasure to be able to take some time out and watch how other people are reacting; and see the parallels with your own behaviour. Ecuador is teaching me much more than I thought it would.
I haven't fully left university life behind though. Later today I need to plan a program I'm running at a local university, and then a lecture that I'm doing via Skype for a university in the US. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if I'm getting closer to that hybrid job I've always dreamed of. I'm so thankful for this. I'm tired, sunburned and out of my element in so many ways. But, the opportunities are coming. Because I took a chance when my heart and soul cried out. Listen to them. They will take you to where you need to go.
Much love from a small land in South America...
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