Age-old recurrences working with people and what is management?

First of all, I am currently in an apartment in Addis Ababa which I am sharing with a nice, Indian lass. She is out and I now have a cat hiding under my bed. The two things are unrelated. But, I have fed this cat before (I am convinced it is a neighbour's cat) and I let it in again and now it is hanging out under my bed. She's come out for tuna. And gone back under the bed again. I have a suspicion this may go on for a few hours yet until she actually settles or drives me bananas until I catch her and let her out.

Things have been very intense for the last few weeks. Without a shadow of a doubt, I have done some sheer hard graft - more than I have done in a long time. Focused work. Work with tight deliverables where, crucially, you are not getting distracted with duties that are not part of your job role. In all the best of ways, I am getting what I wished for. For a long time. Yet, on the other, I continue to be deeply saddened when it comes to the management of NGOs. On the whole, I find the people who are attracted to NGO work to be the very best of people. Building rapport and trust with NGO people is not difficult, and we tend to feel 'at ease' around each other almost immediately. Yet, the needless bureaucracy and all of its associated problems in NGOs are huge barriers and can have detrimental effects on working relationships. Which needs to be managed well to counter-act its detrimental effects. But, again, I find people management (including human resources and within teams management) within NGOs to be sorely lacking.

I would like to re-iterate that I think the VSO Ethiopia team are truly excellent in a number of ways. Yet, when mis-management occurs and the effects of this are not dealt with, this can poison what should be positive working environments. This is not exclusive to NGOs. Academia is also rife with this. But, IMHO, academia tends to attract more 'difficult' people who tend not to have as much experiencing working collaboratively in teams. Managing academics can be like herding cats. People who work in NGOs have that experience and usually work very well with people on the ground. So, what's going wrong with management?

From my experience, people who tend to be in management positions have gotten there through their length of service at an organisation. Management = promotion. It also tends to be the 'stalwarts' who go up through the ranks. I don't mean any disrespect by that term, but they are generally regarded as a 'safe pair of hands' by someone higher up. But, that doesn't mean they have the sufficient leadership and management training to do a managerial job.

This, and my previous experience in Ecuador, has been making me think about my own reluctance to take on leadership and managerial roles previously throughout my career. I've always looked at leadership and management as too much responsibility. That I didn't want that level of responsibility and, tbh, the types of people who go through the leadership and managerial routes tend not to be role models for me. However, when I am pushed to undertake leadership and managerial roles, I tend to do quite well. It's tough - especially calling people out on their behaviour. And the risk of 'not being liked' through hurting people's feelings. But, I do feel that it is something I'm going to have to seriously consider training in as most of the roles I am now being offered involve increasing amounts of both leadership and management.

We are all given spaces to develop certain attributes within ourselves. Maybe instead of criticising the leadership and management skills in others I should cultivate my own? The lack of these skills cultivated properly can have dire consequences - can rip apart normally quite healthy ecosystems by allowing rot to get in and never confronting it so it poisons everything else. Practising what you preach. I am definitely going to look into how I can do this. Some research is needed though - I'm sure there are 'normal' managerial paradigms that would not suit me. But, there will be some cutting edge ones. Yes, it is time to do research. But, I'm in no hurry. The events around me are conspiring to give me the appropriate start-up knowledge for now.

Lightning CAN strike twice...

Well, I've now been in Ethiopia for around two and a half weeks. So, I've now been in the continent of Africa for two and a half weeks - a continent I always said I would love to take six months out of my life to explore if I ever had the chance. I don't know where that figure ever came from. I just surmised that you would need at least six months to say you even partially know Africa. So, I'm here for definite for three months. And I technically have just over three months after that where I have nothing concrete planned. I now suspect that what I have always wistfully wished for may actually be coming true... But, I'm just going to stay open to the events around me. Thankfully my presence has not yet caused social and political unrest (despite some apparent bets that predicted it would given my recent history with Nicaragua and Ecuador). So, I'm hopeful that I may have a lot more time yet to explore this amazing part of the world.

So, lightning can indeed strike twice. There is something about my time here in Ethiopia that echoes how I felt in Nicaragua over 11 years ago. It may be because I am exploring a new continent with a social, cultural, economic and political history very different from anything I've ever experienced before (just like Nicaragua all those years ago). But, I have those feels. You know what I am talking about... where something is actually touching your soul and you know that it is in control of you, rather than you being in control of it. Ecuador was a much needed transition... but Africa is where the real learning, transformation and healing is going to happen. I feel it in my bones. And it's just the start. In approximately one week's time I will be entering my first ever refugee camp. In a conflict area (on the border between Eritrea and Ethiopia) and passing through a number of conflict areas to get there. I am excited. I will have little time to process anything because my role here is so full-on... I will be training, mentoring, data collecting, analysing, networking and travelling across four refugee camps in less than five weeks. I will be leading a small group of local volunteers across this journey, most of whom themselves have never seen the inside of a refugee camp and will be passing through conflict areas where they might actually be in some danger due to their own ethnic and religious background. I have no idea what is in front of me. I only know it feels right...

Today I partially moved into an apartment that I will be sharing with another volunteer for the time I remain in Addis Ababa (likely another week) and then my last month here (likely late March to mid-April although I suspect I might actually be here until late April - there is a lot to do). It's a lovely apartment (basic, of course, but actually quite lovely when you restrict your parameters to that) and I'm looking forward to a different way of life here. Where I actually have to use the Amharic I have learned basically, and force myself to socialise with people who don't speak English well. I'm also extremely looking forward to cooking here. Oh my God... the FOOD here. I am a spice fanatic. A vindaloo is a load of crap... most Indians you speak to will tell you this dish is an abomination of what spicy food is supposed to be. The TASTE of the spices here... the berbere (Ethiopian chilli) and how the Ethiopians combine it with garlic, ginger, tumeric and cardamon... it's something else entirely. I'm in love... the injera (a pancake-y tortilla that is their staple carbohydrate), the wot (spicy sauce), the fuul (the best source of protein here without having to be a carnivore)... I could just go on and on. And then there is the coffee and the wine. I knew about the coffee (who doesn't?!?), but I did not expect the wine (thankfully, VSO's no drinking policy actually just means when I am working and representing VSO... so, I have been drinking... oh yes... moderately... but the beer and the wine is VERY GOOD). In all honesty, I am quite fascinated by Ethiopia. And the Ethiopian people I meet.

I am quite a tactile person. I hug. I kiss. I get right in your face and show you what I'm feeling and how I am feeling it. I feel very comfortable being myself here and don't feel I have to reign it in, like how I have felt for a long time in England. That it is too much. That I am too much. That I should somehow be passively aware of how my own energy may be impacting on someone else's self-esteem when, let's face it, it's their responsibility to sort out their self-esteem issues and my energy is actually helping to highlight that to them. **Sigh** This is what I loved about Nicaragua. It's that the rules don't really apply to me. That somehow I slip under the radar of normality because I am in a box labelled 'white, educated foreigner' which gives me a lot of room to move. It doesn't matter if I never end up in a different box. I can stay in that one and it is fine. I don't have that box in the UK. It's all a process of becoming... maybe I could be a mother; maybe I could be a wife; maybe I could be a professor; maybe I could be a best selling author. There's always another box; another process of becoming. But, here, I'm happy in that foreign, nomadic box where I hurt no one and no one hurts me (at least, on the surface). Maybe that's my lesson. Maybe I should take that box back to the UK (and how I feel inside it) and shut out all that noise around me. It's a hermit's life... but it's also not...

I'm learning about interdependency here. We all have co-dependent tendencies, even when you appear to be as 'independent' as I am. I swing. Oh Christ, I swing. Ask my exes. The resolution is always somewhere in the middle (but where you still have all the feels). As much as my Nicaraguan friends might shoot me for this, Nicaragua underscored that my 'independent' nature hid a part of myself that I was scared of... terrified of in fact. That I needed recognition. That I needed validation. That I needed to be loved. But, externally. Because I couldn't see what could be loved about myself internally. Those bloody Latin American men (and I'm thinking of one in particular) got that out of me. And I will forever be thankful for it. That I shouted, I screamed, I cracked and cried; and felt as if I might die... and then somewhere through all that I started to pay attention to myself and what I actually needed. That the most important relationship I would ever have would be with myself. That I could never really love another without really loving and validating myself first...

Ethiopia has its issues, but it isn't quite in the same league as Nicaragua when it comes to co-dependent relationships. There are a lot of extra-marital affairs here (I've been propositioned a few times already!), but the nature of it is different. I haven't fully put my finger on it yet... but I sense more interdependency here. Where people really support each other and it doesn't always mean you have to sacrifice the most essential parts of yourself to have that support network. I am here to heal. I have no idea what that will look like at the other side. But, my ideas about relationships are changing. And about independence. All I know is that it is where I need to be for now,..

Ethiopia: the land of bread and honey

I arrived in Ethiopia on the 16^th of January 2020. My projected arrival date was the 30^th of December 2019 but that didn’t materialise for a number of reasons. The main reasons included extra requirements for the work permit in Ethiopia (something the Ethiopian Government has recently tightened up on) which was difficult to obtain over the Christmas break (I arrived back in the UK on the 17^th of December). So, police checks being validated, GP notes and letters of good standing held the process up. The irony is that not one of these things were actually necessary for my work VISA. Which I will now receive in the next few days.

Ethiopia really is something else. I really had no idea what to expect as this is my first time in the heart of Africa. A new continent, with a rich and ancient history that holds the keys to human evolution (one of the oldest human skeletons – Lucy – was exhumed in Ethiopia and is currently a museum in Addis Ababa, the capital city of Ethiopia). It is also diverse in religion, ethnicity and language. Federalism abounds in Ethiopia, with each state being defined by its own ethnic groups. Orthodox Ethiopian Christianity permeates here, which is one of the most ancient, and arguably ‘pure’, forms of Christianity in the world. Stories of King Solomon, The Queen of Sheba and the Ark of the Covenant are woven throughout Ethiopian history. Yet, its most-spoken language is Amharic - a Semitic language, like Hebrew and Arabic. Thus, Judaism and Islam have their very visible spaces within Ethiopian culture too. The richness of this history can’t help but affect you at a very deep level. Every second I am reminded that I am somewhere very, very special.

I’ve been here just over a week now. I arrived when things were slowing down for Timkat – a religious ceremony more important than Christmas here. It is officially celebrated on the 19^th of January (20^th in a leap year) but it is in fact a three-day festival commemorating Jesus’ baptism in the Jordan River. A replica of the Ark of the Covenant (apparently the actual Ark is in Axum in Ethiopia and only its true guardian can gain access to it – strong echoes of Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade; both more than likely influenced by this history) is brought to Addis Ababa and people stay out all night to celebrate. There are processions and lots of singing, music and dancing. It was utterly spectacular.

So, the last few days have been about my induction into my new role, learning some basic Amharic, and familiarising myself with the work VSO Ethiopia and other INGOs have been doing in Ethiopia regarding the education and teacher training of refugees. Ethiopia has, arguably, one of the most open-door policies to refugees in the whole of Africa. It currently hosts approximately 850 000 refugees in 26 refugee camps. The locations of these refugee camps match the most populous refugee community – Eritreans in Tigray; South Sudanese in Gambella; Somalians in Somali, and the Sudanese in Beneshangul-Gumuz. However, there are also refugees from Yemen, other countries in the Middle East and other African countries such as the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC).

My role here is to design needs assessments for various groups within the refugee camps (including governmental and non-governmental organisations who ‘administrate’ the refugees) to discern the barriers that female teachers face when teaching in these refugee camps. I will also be designing a training package to train current and future (mostly local) volunteers in how to design, implement and analyse these needs assessments. I am working closely with another international volunteer (who will arrive tomorrow) and we will split into four research groups after the training has been designed and implemented. Over a period of 4-6 weeks I will be hands-on collecting data from approximately 5 refugee camps (across two districts). Then, it will be back to Addis Ababa to analyse the data in groups and prepare the final report.  

Just when I was designing the needs assessments, disaster struck. I have a frozen neck caused by poor quality pillows (the hotel has two varieties of pillow – one that is so chunky it could hold open a door, and the second so thin and uneven you feel as if you are lying on nothing with some small bumps). The injury is actually quite serious – after two visits to a very impressive Saint Gabriel’s hospital in Addis Ababa, they isolated that I tore a ligament in my neck. So, I’m not supposed to be doing any work (and certainly not supposed to be typing this) and getting sufficient rest to let the inflammation die down and my muscles to relax enough to let the healing commence. I’m on anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxants to help me do this. They suspect it will take at least a week for it to heal. If it doesn’t, I’ve to get an MRI scan. I did get an x-ray already and it’s all fine – bones all doing what they should be doing which is a relief.

So, I just have to take it easy. Do some work but then stop and rest when the pain gets too much. The good news is that I’m not expected to go out to the refugee camps for another couple of weeks yet so that should give me sufficient time to heal. But, it is stopping me from going out sightseeing. I can’t turn my head which makes crossing the very busy roads here very difficult! But, sometimes you just need to rest to prepare yourself for what is to come. I’m taking this as a sign that this is what I should be doing right now.

Disputing what is 'development' and leaving Ecuador

It's been two months since I last updated. I'm writing this belated post from the UK, and have since re-named this blog and its purpose. This indicates that some massive changes have gone afoot. On the 16th of November 2019 I gave Manna Project International in Ecuador my one-month notice. I have been one of five volunteers who have left the INGO in the last four months.

I will write another time, and in another format, about what was actually going on and how this influenced five women to disrupt their plans for a year and choose to go home / somewhere else rather than stay with the organisation. What I will say on this format is: it is very, very difficult to do development work when you and your colleagues agree on a definition of development but the organisation you work with doesn't. I actually wrote about this in my doctoral thesis. When a discourse of development (or community development) is not shared by a community / international development project or organisation, it will result in socially antagonistic relationships within the project or organisation. What occurs is that the dominant discourse creates particular subject positions for each individual within the project to adopt. So, if someone comes into a community / international development project with a different understanding of community or international development, they will struggle to fit into the subject positions available to them under the discourse. They really have two options: (i) re-frame and adopt the available subject position under the dominant discourse, or (ii) adopt the available subject position but work to gradually change the discourse from the inside to create your preferred subject position.

I did the latter with this particular INGO, and I was working with intelligent women who had also 'chosen' ii. But, if ii is not working (even if the organisation is saying it wants to change but the realities of changing discourses are extraordinarily complicated) then the third option is to leave. In my professional opinion, this is what happened with five of us. Only two volunteers have stayed and, for the record, they agree with our definition of community development, but they have adopted i or ii for their own reasons.

The real lesson for the organisation here is not to advertise themselves as promoting a particular discourse of development when the reality is they are operating a different one. We have tried to feed this back in a number of different ways, but some people really struggle to see how two discourses are different (or admit to themselves they are - one 'sounds' better so they advertise that but its too difficult, or costly, to implement in reality so they operationalise a different one). Since we have left, people have since informed me that the official line is that the five of us misunderstood what the organisation was trying to do and are working towards communicating themselves better, which should mean a different type of person will be attracted to them and accept the subject positions they offer. I wish them the very best of luck. In this climate, they will definitely need it.

So, what now? Some of the volunteers and I have started to plan an academic paper on our experiences; which we hopefully can publish in an international development journal to facilitate some rich discussions. And... I'm off to Ethiopia. Before I accepted the post with Manna Project International, I had passed all the rounds of interviews to volunteer with Voluntary Services Overseas. However, I decided to go with MPI as VSO were not currently doing programmes in Latin America. I got back in touch with VSO and asked if they had any opportunities shorter-term. So, I will be volunteering in Ethiopia for 3-4 months in a UNICEF funded project with a team of participatory action researchers in refugee camps throughout Ethiopia. The plan was for me to fly to Ethiopia on the 30th of December but getting back to the UK during the Christmas period has slowed everything down so I'm still trying to get various things and VSO has to clear them before I go. It is likely I will be in Ethiopia by the second week in January.

I'm very excited to go to Ethiopia; but I was very sad to leave Ecuador. I honestly adore Ecuador and would recommend everyone and anyone to go. The people. the food, the landscape... I made some real friendships there and I know that some of them will last a long, long time. I will definitely be back in Ecuador. It was an absolute pleasure.

'Normality', hybridity and reflections on the need to travel

This blog post is going to be different from the last. A self reflective theme will likely remain, but the subject matter is quite different. Ecuador is back to 'normal'. Not long after I wrote the last blog post, Sangolqui started to respond to the protests which I think was echoed in many places outside of the bigger cities. The curfew enforced by the Ecuadorian Government throughout the Chillos Valley wasn't, with hindsight, the smartest move and the people responded in force - including some who had not been motivated to act previously.

It was a very interesting weekend. There were WhatsApp messages asking for photos of our passports and advising us to pack a small bag 'just in case'. A large tank of gasoline also ended up at our house in case we needed a car in an emergency but it was out of gas / petrol (I am becoming Americanis(z)ed). One of the volunteers was particularly shook up by the protests taking place outside our door and spent over an hour locked in one of the bathrooms on the phone to the US. Then, it all seemed to 'calm down'. The indigenous groups (and, particularly, the indigenous leader) agreed to a dialogue with President Moreno the following day. Things flared up again when it appeared the dialogue would not take place; but then it did and an 'agreement' was reached. The next day was clean up. People came out in equal force to clean up their beloved country to get things back to 'normal'.

Although I am very pleased with the outcome of the dialogue (it was basically a two-fingered salute to the IMF and neoliberalism), I do realise that there are other issues going on here that were suspended in this 'coalition'. It's still a stalemate here in some regards. Having the ability to speak to people face-to-face after such an event is a real privilege. It has let me realise that neither Moreno nor the indigenous groups represent the vast majority of Ecuadorians; and that this is still simmering under the surface. But, it is a good result for Ecuador (overall), Manna and I. I'm not going anywhere soon and I returned back to the centro on Tuesday the 15th of October.

This 'pause' has given me enough space and time to make a switch in my head with regards to roles. The good news: I am now doing pretty much the role I came over here to do. Finally. There is still overlap (I'm doing way more than 40 hours a week), but I'm getting to flex the muscles I wanted to flex here. This means a lot more monitoring and evaluation, and volunteer management. I'm still teaching a lot. But, I've never been able to fully escape that. A student pretty much summed it up last night: 'you have a good energy, Andie. It makes people want to listen to you and we can't help but respond to you.' Lovely. Very lovely. And not the first time I've been told that by a long shot.

All this has given me some scope to think (when I've had time). It's no secret to those who know me well that I've been craving a 'hybrid' job for a while. I love theory and love discussing how we can use it to change the world (not just according to me). But, if I can't actually practically apply it and see the conundrums of how it works on the ground, I get frustrated. Conversely, if I'm just watching how other people's theories materialise in practice, I get equally frustrated. So, I've always known that I needed both together. And I needed conversations not just with university staff and students, but those on the ground, in communities, who are living and responding to their lives. I'm getting much more of that nexus here; and I can see that I would be able to balance both of these quite well in daily life. With the right routines in place, of course.

So, why Ecuador? I really like it here and I'm beyond thankful that I made the decision to come here. To uproot myself once again and take a chance on something different. But, I'm slowly realising that I didn't really need to do this. The reality is, I have changed substantively since my 20s. Being in Latin America again has allowed me to actually see the trees and not just the forest. In my 20s I wasn't very happy in myself and was looking for some sense of 'belonging'. Nicaragua, with its more open ways of being (in some regards) and its disinterest in my background and what I had 'achieved' in life, gave me the necessary space to break out of some socialisation patterns and be reborn in a lot of different ways.

I think I half-expected Ecuador to do the same thing. After eight years of doing a very difficult doctorate and working in a very achievement focused environment (academia), I felt I needed a similar experience to Nicaragua to help me break out of 'faulty' ways of being. But, the truth is: I'm alright. I actually don't need to do anything drastic or purge anything from me. I just needed some space to decompress and fall in love with the little things of life again. The things that are in the UK and anywhere really, but they are just more noticeable here because they are packaged differently. And I've realised that's what travelling is. It's just some time out to notice the beauty that is already in your life but got obscured in all the mundane.

So, what does this mean? Quite scarily (for me), it means that somewhere over the last 11 years I have stabilised considerably and that what I thought I needed isn't actually what I need at all. I think I always expected to find some place that would 'fit' better than all the rest. But, actually, it's the combination of factors around that place that is what makes it fit. In some ways, I am a turtle and I can take my home with me anywhere to start all over again. But, the stuff in the shell isn't actually the most important stuff. It's both what's inside your heart and what you create in the spaces around you. Whilst I have no doubt I could create (and am creating) beautiful spaces here, some things actually are irreplaceable. I always 'knew' that, but I never really felt it. I do now.

Some big conclusions coming out so early in the journey. I didn't expect that. And I didn't expect how I feel now. But, that's ok. I'm ok. And however this ends... that's going to be ok also.

The anti-austerity and indigenous-led protests in Ecuador; the Tarot, Joker and personal reflections / growth

I will start personal, before I get social and then 'universal'. I have a multi-layered personality (just one... I think...). We all do in some ways - we are human. But, as the years have gone by I have come to appreciate just how 'esoteric' some of my interests are and how they can raise some eyebrows when people are getting to know me (or think they already do know me). One such interest is the tarot. It stemmed from my interest in astrology, as I learnt that certain tarot cards are represented by particular signs and planets, and some are defined by astrological aspects too. It was also around this time I started getting into numerology. So, on my 18th birthday my mum and I chose my first tarot deck. It was the Celtic Dragon Tarot by DJ Conway and Lisa Hunt. Here is a lovely photo...

Beautiful, aren't they?

This deck sparked a real interest in paganism; an interest I have also maintained. But, like most things, it has waxed and waned. This deck led to more questions - I thought the tarot was much more embedded in numerology and astrology? This led to my discovery of the Aleister Crowley's Thoth deck. For those who have been living under rocks, Aleister Crowley is an infamous member of the Esoteric / Magical Order of the Golden Dawn. He was pivotal in its dismantling (although variants of it still exist today) and formed his own esoteric / magical order known as Thelema. In short, 'Do what thou wilt.' For all Crowley's faults (and he had many), his life is a documentary on the positives and negatives of applying your Will. He was a gifted magician. I am not going to get into what magic is and isn't in this blog post; but Crowley was regarded by most as especially adept at using his Will and the elements around him in unison. Our individual and societal judgements on his actions actually say more about us than they do about him.

I am still learning about the Thoth deck, and about Crowley. I have bought and learned many decks since this second tarot purchase; but I always come back to it. And picking it up again always sends me down a rabbit hole - usually related, but slightly different, to one I have been down before. Just before I left the UK in July this year, I bought the Millennium Thoth deck and, finally, bought the most renowned book companion to Crowley's Book of Thoth (this book is still in a box in customs in Ecuador!!!). It started a journey down another rabbit hole; but I have been consistently surprised by how many times The Tower card has come out in my readings since I bought this Millennium Thoth deck. This is Crowley (and Lady Freida Harris') Tower:

It's not the happiest of images; but a lot is going on here. In short, it means destruction / devastation / annihilation. It is usually represented as the Tower of Babel being destroyed by a God (usually Shiva or Jehovah); but it goes much deeper than that. The discovery and proliferation of psychoanalysis - especially the work of Carl G Jung who was fascinated by esoteric thought and incorporated it into his work - has intensified the original work of the tarot that the tarot is actually a journey of self discovery. The major arcana of the tarot (the Fool to the World) is based on the Tree of Life of the Qabala(h) (Kabbalah); which is a blueprint of the ascension of the human soul.

I have never been that interested in using the tarot as a method of divination. I have always used it for self development purposes. And I have learnt through the years that consistently drawing the same card(s) means something. The Tower card usually means a shocking event that rocks you to your core. Depending on where you are at in your self development, it can mean a breakdown of who you actually think you are by forcibly removing all external elements (including people) you use to define yourself; to honing your own Will to the events around you to purge yourself of external elements in your life that no longer serve you. The latter is still traumatic; but its the 'easiest' of all the routes.

I have gone through so many Tower experiences in my life. Both where I was unprepared and semi-prepared for it. They are not pleasant experiences and are especially penetrating because The Tower follows The Devil card. The messages have been coming through for a while that we were becoming addicted to something; that we were using something (or many things) as a crutch (crutches); that if it was ok and we had regular access to it, we'd be ok. We wouldn't have to look that deeply inside ourselves and meet, face-to-face, that emptiness that exists within all of us. The Devil usually means you are covering up this emptiness with something: money, power, alcohol, sex, status, drugs, work, working-out, dysfunctional relationships, etc. And the signs were there that you couldn't cope without it, i.e. not getting enough social media 'likes' / not being able to get to the gym / not being able to have an alcoholic drink / your partner refusing to give you validation and asking you to self-validate / not being able to 'match up' to the status that you permeate about yourself, etc.

The Tower just says, 'The Devil gave you enough warnings and you didn't listen. Now, you dance with me.' And it takes whatever it is away. Forcibly. At the moment you actually need it the most. But, instead, you are left with that emptiness and a fractured understanding of who you really are. And ruins. The Tower likes ruins. It likes you to regularly look at ruins of the life you previously had. When you were so 'happy'. When you slept better. When you could go out socially and be 'on' and no one suspected you were dying inside. But it was still there. You just had other things to focus on. But now you don't and you have to listen to it. This is the real gift of The Tower. From a self-development perspective, it's actually one of my favourite tarot cards. Because I understand what it is trying to do. It never fully takes the venom out from its sting. But, I know in 6 months to a year, I will be sitting in a much better position; having worked out a new dimension to that emptiness and we get a better understanding of each other. But, we never really conquer that emptiness. We temporarily think we do. We just get better at accepting it and ourselves.

Look back of your own life and ask yourself how many Tower experiences you have had. Where everything changed and you were forced to reevaluate who you really are. How has those experiences helped you come to terms with the emptiness inside of you and how you manage it?

Now, to get to the crux of the argument: the cards had been telling me for a while that Ecuador was going to be another Tower experience. So, I expected to come to Ecuador and discover some more 'unforgiving' aspects of myself. Like still being tied to Western morals and values; still being tied to socialisation processes that I outgrew a long, long time ago but have never 'replaced' them with anything else. To have my own knowledge challenged on a fundamental level and be left with no option but to change my flawed ways of thinking. In short, I fully expected (and welcomed) the opportunity to cast out aspects of myself that no longer worked for me. In fact, I was craving it. I thought I was soooooo ready for it.

What I didn't expect was Ecuador to be going through its own personal development, and that it would hit its own Tower experience whilst I was here. A Tower experience that has come from The Devil card - the unequal rise of wealth in the country; a deal with the IMF (literally, the Devil) to impose austerity measures; government and private sector battles with indigenous groups to access natural resources on protected land to pay back debt caused by capitalists and bankers, etc. The warnings were all there. That the road that Ecuador was going down was going to lead to more and more eruptions of tension. This tension hinging on what is 'development' and how that is defined and operated across different socio-cultural groups across Ecuador. The Tower card was President Lenin Moreno announcing that the government would no longer subsidise fuel prices which would lead to the doubling of all fuel costs, which would have a knock-on effect on just about every price imaginable in Ecuador. This has led to an, arguably, left-populist push-back from some socio-cultural groups in Ecuador. And, imho, it has left Ecuador at a point of no return.

We are Day 9 into protests that are not simmering down. We have a stalemate between two juggernauts that is unlikely to be resolved any time soon. We have a President who has, according to some, made a deal with the Devil (IMF). It can't have been an easy decision to make and, yes, I do agree in some respects his hands were tied due to the previous spending of the Correa administration and the ramifications of the global financial crisis. What I don't agree with is how he is trying to swing this populist push-back to the right by blaming Maduro and Venezuela for the situation that Ecuador is now finding itself in. We now have a populist chase for who is the 'better' 'Other': the Venezuelan immigrants, the Correa-era bureaucrats or the pro-neoliberal and austerity Moreno Government. Something I suspect will be thrashed around at the so-called dialogues that are taking place. Dialogues where no one who actually matters, i.e. is a key player, appears to be budging an inch.

I live less than 15km from the capital Quito. It's a nice little suburban town/city with mixed wealth. From my own doorstep, I haven't seen that much of the impact of the anti-austerity protests. In Sangolqui, people seem to want to get on with their lives: to sell their produce at market; to work; to go to school / university; and to go out with their friends. The organisation I am working for had to shut its doors on the 3rd of October. This was due to the bus companies, truckers and taxis agreeing to strike to bring Ecuador to a standstill. This meant that people were unable to travel, and schools and universities quickly sent round notices that they would be shutting too. This has very much been the state of play since the 3rd of October. The organisation I am volunteering for has been shut since the 3rd of October although we have had many meetings about the situation and how we can move forward from it.

The organisation is also experiencing deja vu. Late last year / early this year, Manna made the decision to close its doors in Nicaragua. I have bored almost everyone I know for the last year about what happened in Nicaragua so I will not repeat it here. But, it is fair to make parallels between what is happening in Ecuador now and what happened in Nicaragua  (and is still happening tbh). Ecuador is Manna's last site. Without a site, there is really no Manna. So, it's not only a question about ceasing operations in Ecuador; it is a question about whether Manna as an organisation continues. The good news, from my perspective, is that the organisation doesn't seem in a rush to close its doors here. There is panic. We have to follow the United States with regards to security alerts and travel information. Parts of Ecuador are at level 4 which is do not travel. This has affected the travel of the CEO of the organisation and two members of the Board of Trustees who were supposed to visit between the 15th and the 25th of October. But there is also pragmatism. We are not in an physical danger in Sangolqui. And the people around us want to get back to some version of 'normalcy' soon. So, the plan is that we open our doors again on the 15th of October. Watch this space...

Then there was last night. I know a lot of stuff has been happening in Quito that is very sad and divisive; but I'm not referring to that (although last night was particularly troubling in Quito). Last night I made the decision to go and see Joker (Guason) at the local Sangolqui mall. In Spanish, may I add (I tried to go and see the English version to experience Joaquin in all his glory, but it was sold out)? Getting a ticket was an experience in itself. I actually invited people waiting in the line to get a ticket and had to text them all back saying I could only get myself a ticket as the five showings that night (3 dubbed in Spanish, 2 with Spanish subtitles) were sold out. I don't think I will ever forget sitting in that movie theatre watching the last 20 minutes of Guason/Joker. There was something in the air - unspoken, but lingered and was electric. There was a shared understanding in that movie theatre that Ecuador is transforming and has passed the point of no return. How it will look in the future is irreversibly shaped by the events of the 3rd of October 2019. And it made me realise that Sangolqui is not passive in this process. The protests haven't yet arrived at the people's doorsteps here. Before last night I would have been unsure as to how Sangolqui would have responded to that. After last night, I think I have a much better idea.

So, yes, The Tower card wasn't just about me. It was about Ecuador (and, arguably, Manna as well) and what it was about to go through. But, we are interconnected. I live here and will be living here for the foreseeable future (I can't see Manna shutting its doors within the next month, for instance. Although, that could be my Tower experience right there). What Ecuador is going through is gradually chipping away at me. Making me think about how I fight / don't fight for what I believe in; about what really matters to me. Yes, my values and principles. The things that I actually did think were going to change when I was here. But, it's all happening in ways I couldn't have predicted. And mirroring Nicaragua. Be careful what you wish for. Something I seem to be saying a lot to myself in my 30s. Do what thou wilt; as Crowley both advises and warns...

So, I'm here in Ecuador. Trying to build castles in the sky and learning more and more than you can't really plan anything. We get so attached to plans and ways of being because we had 'power' and control in constructing them. At a very deep level, The Tower asks you to let go. To surrender. To let transformation happen and not to be in any rush to fill in the blanks of the spaces / scar tissue left behind. To listen to and begin to enjoy the silence. To get comfortable in those uncomfortable places, and to step back and listen to the excuses your mind makes to get the Hell out of Dodge when actually you need Dodge and you need that Hell to transform.

I'm not going anywhere. Not of my own volition anyway. Whatever this becomes, it is what it becomes. It makes no difference to me if I am still here in a month or on a plane back to the UK. I can reconcile both. I would love to stay here, continue to get to know Ecuador and do all the many things that I want to do. But, I can also go back to the UK, do some writing and make new plans that could only have taken place if Ecuador had happened. So, don't worry about me. I am where I need to be. And if the wind blows to tell me I don't need to be here anymore, I will listen. I am not attached to any outcome... I just want to be, to live, to do, to grow, to transform. And I can do that anywhere. But some places call me. Like Ecuador. Like Nicaragua. Because they have something to teach me. For that, it is all worth it.

Conundrums, balancing needs with wants, and putting down boundaries

In the last few weeks I have been involved in a number of fairly deep conversations. Most of these conversations concern how people fit the INGO I am volunteering for into their life narratives. One unique aspect in these conversations was that none of the participants needed to be with this INGO. Wants and needs were clearly demarcated. This stopped a lot of 'shut downs', i.e. those who needed the organisation telling those who wanted more from the organisation to be 'realistic'; 'get a grip', etc. This facilitated a number of fascinating conversations about what is core / dominant in our personalities, and how some personality types can reconcile needs with wants 'better' than others.

Such conversations have allowed all of us to examine why we are really here. The advantage of such conversations is that you can go right down to the subconscious level and see that some experiences are actually giving you what you really need, rather than what you really want. But the disadvantage is that you can see how you are playing riddles with yourself, and that an experience is not actually giving you what you need or want. The result of such conversations led to another volunteer deciding that this INGO wasn't for them; and they are leaving on the 30th of September - the date we receive the replacement for the volunteer who left at the beginning of September.

This is not an ideal state to be in. Whilst I have been able to reconcile my own wants and needs on behalf of working in Ecuador and with this particular organisation, the lack of fit between the volunteers and the organisation has meant a lot of responsibilities placed on my shoulders which has interrupted me from doing the things I came here to do. I have been here seven weeks and I have done very little of what is actually on my job description. But, I have been instead been involved in numerous different activities, programmes and duties. These include: doing summer camp for kids; teaching English classes to both adults and children; doing Open Days; leading cooking and nutrition classes; playing games / video games with kids (and adults); art and science classes; and working at reception of the community centre. I have enjoyed the vast majority of these activities. But, they are not representative of what I should be doing here.

So, two things have come out of all this. I have spoken with management and put my foot down with regards to doing duties that are not actually in my job description. I will miss some of these activities (the English classes with some of the kids especially), but I can't really justify staying here to do such activities. Yet, the needs / wants debate rears its head again here. We all have to really look at why we make the decisions we do so we don't push back too hard when things don't turn out the way we wanted them to. I realised that the role was only part of the reason why I came here. And that, with proper boundaries, I could reconcile the difficulties in the environment I am in with what I actually need. But, the key is in asserting those boundaries and doing so in a just way. A skill that is so valuable in many fields.

I will miss my co-worker immensely (she picked me up from the airport when I arrived). And, from time to time, I will lament on what we have lost with her gone. But, for now, I'm still happy to be here and excited about the work I can do here. I'm also very excited that I managed - with very little time at my disposal - to get some writing in. This is the second thing. Yes, that ol' creativity. Sometimes you need to take yourself out of your routine to see how some things are working / not working for you. When I was in the States (and last weekend) I was able to focus on a novel I am writing and I'm very encouraged with my progress. These are all good things. So, for now, I am happy to be where I am.

It will be interesting to see how things are with a 'normal' workload...