In the last few weeks I have been involved in a number of fairly deep conversations. Most of these conversations concern how people fit the INGO I am volunteering for into their life narratives. One unique aspect in these conversations was that none of the participants needed to be with this INGO. Wants and needs were clearly demarcated. This stopped a lot of 'shut downs', i.e. those who needed the organisation telling those who wanted more from the organisation to be 'realistic'; 'get a grip', etc. This facilitated a number of fascinating conversations about what is core / dominant in our personalities, and how some personality types can reconcile needs with wants 'better' than others.
Such conversations have allowed all of us to examine why we are really here. The advantage of such conversations is that you can go right down to the subconscious level and see that some experiences are actually giving you what you really need, rather than what you really want. But the disadvantage is that you can see how you are playing riddles with yourself, and that an experience is not actually giving you what you need or want. The result of such conversations led to another volunteer deciding that this INGO wasn't for them; and they are leaving on the 30th of September - the date we receive the replacement for the volunteer who left at the beginning of September.
This is not an ideal state to be in. Whilst I have been able to reconcile my own wants and needs on behalf of working in Ecuador and with this particular organisation, the lack of fit between the volunteers and the organisation has meant a lot of responsibilities placed on my shoulders which has interrupted me from doing the things I came here to do. I have been here seven weeks and I have done very little of what is actually on my job description. But, I have been instead been involved in numerous different activities, programmes and duties. These include: doing summer camp for kids; teaching English classes to both adults and children; doing Open Days; leading cooking and nutrition classes; playing games / video games with kids (and adults); art and science classes; and working at reception of the community centre. I have enjoyed the vast majority of these activities. But, they are not representative of what I should be doing here.
So, two things have come out of all this. I have spoken with management and put my foot down with regards to doing duties that are not actually in my job description. I will miss some of these activities (the English classes with some of the kids especially), but I can't really justify staying here to do such activities. Yet, the needs / wants debate rears its head again here. We all have to really look at why we make the decisions we do so we don't push back too hard when things don't turn out the way we wanted them to. I realised that the role was only part of the reason why I came here. And that, with proper boundaries, I could reconcile the difficulties in the environment I am in with what I actually need. But, the key is in asserting those boundaries and doing so in a just way. A skill that is so valuable in many fields.
I will miss my co-worker immensely (she picked me up from the airport when I arrived). And, from time to time, I will lament on what we have lost with her gone. But, for now, I'm still happy to be here and excited about the work I can do here. I'm also very excited that I managed - with very little time at my disposal - to get some writing in. This is the second thing. Yes, that ol' creativity. Sometimes you need to take yourself out of your routine to see how some things are working / not working for you. When I was in the States (and last weekend) I was able to focus on a novel I am writing and I'm very encouraged with my progress. These are all good things. So, for now, I am happy to be where I am.
It will be interesting to see how things are with a 'normal' workload...
Saturday, 28 September 2019
Wednesday, 11 September 2019
Deliverables, collaboration, routine, and higher-level doing and thinking
Another week has passed in my little Ecuadorean bubble. In that time we have lost one volunteer and gained two. We have also recruited for - and filled - thirteen English classes at the centre; are running eight community projects at our community centre, and running eight community programs with partners. We currently have four volunteers to do this. We will gain one more at the end of September, but it is going to be tough.
The good news: we got our green light to recruit local volunteers. We have already had two applications. We are looking to attract more, but the reality is we won't be able the volunteers in place until the middle of next month, which places considerable strain on us. For instance, I am only supposed to be teaching one English class (my role is something different). I am currently teaching four until the fifth volunteer gets here. Then, I will teach two which is more manageable. Ironically, I am the only qualified ESOL teacher out of the five of us. This has translated into me offering workshops on ESOL teaching to the other volunteers. One thing I will say for certain here: my skills are always needed. I'm sure some will disagree, but I have felt for a long time that academia de-skills you. It keeps you in a kind-of repetitive loop and your mind harks back to the days when you were in practice jobs having to think on your feet a lot more and using every little resource and skill you had.
For this alone, I'm very glad to be where I am now. It's a breath of fresh air; although I'm sure, with enough time, it could become it's own repetitive cycle. What also excites me is the group of volunteers I am working with. We are all women, with different professional and academic backgrounds; but very similar values, perspectives and goals. Collaborative working is a model we are all eager to pursue; and seem to recognise in the other skills we don't yet have but would like to grow. This is another breath of fresh air. There is real power in recognising that someone has a very similar skill set to you and that, together, you could accomplish much more than either of you could do alone. It is like that between the four of us (and hopefully number five... we are praying for a Virgo moon) and, as a result, I can see that we are going to accomplish a lot together this year. Inspiring to say the least.
This emerged strongly in our succession of meetings yesterday which began at 10:30am and finished at 6:30pm. The meetings kicked off with an analysis of the role of community development in the practice of international NGOs, and finished with us all agreeing to incorporate a shared definition of sustainability into the monitoring and evaluation of the programs we are running. All things in between were exciting, refreshing and inspiring. It's teamwork thinking. It's trusting the people you work with. At this stage, there is very little 'othering'. The logic of equivalence has done its magic and we all seem to share a similar vision of what 'bad' community development practice is. The shared discourse is emerging, and it will be a real pleasure and privilege to document it. The absolute joys of practising what you preach. It was what my thesis was all about. It was based on a recurring problem I had witnessed in practice in a number of different contexts. But I didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge to be able to deconstruct it in the necessary level of depth. I sat in that meeting yesterday and could actually see floating and empty signifiers coming together in the discussions we were having. I kept smirking to myself. All that crap was worth it. The almost six years of crap, the rolled eyes and the projections behind my back. It works. I knew it would transform my practice, and the practices of others. I just didn't realise how much.
Today I'm off to one of the local universities to finalise a course I am running with them, and then I'm doing a lecture later on this afternoon on bottom-up approaches to international community development. Then, I'm finalising the first workshop I'm leading on ESOL and ESOL methodologies. And then I'm leading a conversation class on a pre-defined sociological topic. Life is good. Exhausting, but good. There is a real satisfaction in knowing you are where you need to be, learning what you need to learn, and doing what you need to do. It's all about the transformation. I've gone through quite a bit already, and I'm just over 1/12 of the way through this. I will be excited to know me at the end of this journey. I hope you will be too.
The good news: we got our green light to recruit local volunteers. We have already had two applications. We are looking to attract more, but the reality is we won't be able the volunteers in place until the middle of next month, which places considerable strain on us. For instance, I am only supposed to be teaching one English class (my role is something different). I am currently teaching four until the fifth volunteer gets here. Then, I will teach two which is more manageable. Ironically, I am the only qualified ESOL teacher out of the five of us. This has translated into me offering workshops on ESOL teaching to the other volunteers. One thing I will say for certain here: my skills are always needed. I'm sure some will disagree, but I have felt for a long time that academia de-skills you. It keeps you in a kind-of repetitive loop and your mind harks back to the days when you were in practice jobs having to think on your feet a lot more and using every little resource and skill you had.
For this alone, I'm very glad to be where I am now. It's a breath of fresh air; although I'm sure, with enough time, it could become it's own repetitive cycle. What also excites me is the group of volunteers I am working with. We are all women, with different professional and academic backgrounds; but very similar values, perspectives and goals. Collaborative working is a model we are all eager to pursue; and seem to recognise in the other skills we don't yet have but would like to grow. This is another breath of fresh air. There is real power in recognising that someone has a very similar skill set to you and that, together, you could accomplish much more than either of you could do alone. It is like that between the four of us (and hopefully number five... we are praying for a Virgo moon) and, as a result, I can see that we are going to accomplish a lot together this year. Inspiring to say the least.
This emerged strongly in our succession of meetings yesterday which began at 10:30am and finished at 6:30pm. The meetings kicked off with an analysis of the role of community development in the practice of international NGOs, and finished with us all agreeing to incorporate a shared definition of sustainability into the monitoring and evaluation of the programs we are running. All things in between were exciting, refreshing and inspiring. It's teamwork thinking. It's trusting the people you work with. At this stage, there is very little 'othering'. The logic of equivalence has done its magic and we all seem to share a similar vision of what 'bad' community development practice is. The shared discourse is emerging, and it will be a real pleasure and privilege to document it. The absolute joys of practising what you preach. It was what my thesis was all about. It was based on a recurring problem I had witnessed in practice in a number of different contexts. But I didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge to be able to deconstruct it in the necessary level of depth. I sat in that meeting yesterday and could actually see floating and empty signifiers coming together in the discussions we were having. I kept smirking to myself. All that crap was worth it. The almost six years of crap, the rolled eyes and the projections behind my back. It works. I knew it would transform my practice, and the practices of others. I just didn't realise how much.
Today I'm off to one of the local universities to finalise a course I am running with them, and then I'm doing a lecture later on this afternoon on bottom-up approaches to international community development. Then, I'm finalising the first workshop I'm leading on ESOL and ESOL methodologies. And then I'm leading a conversation class on a pre-defined sociological topic. Life is good. Exhausting, but good. There is a real satisfaction in knowing you are where you need to be, learning what you need to learn, and doing what you need to do. It's all about the transformation. I've gone through quite a bit already, and I'm just over 1/12 of the way through this. I will be excited to know me at the end of this journey. I hope you will be too.
Monday, 2 September 2019
Four weeks in, expectations and maturity
At 11pm tonight, I will have been in Ecuador for four weeks. Technically, 8% of my time in Ecuador is already gone. Even at this early stage, I think it's a no-brainer to say that this year is going to pass by so fast. For that reason, part of me wants to clutch at every opportunity that becomes available and 'seize the day'. Yes, the other, and more mature, part of me is whispering it's all about getting the balance right. Part of getting that balance right is acknowledging my age and my previous experiences of taking on too much and burning myself out. So, while my in-their-20s housemates are off to explore a nearby waterfall, I'm taking full advantage of my only day off this week by taking it easy and getting my house in order.
I can't really predict what this year is going to bring for me. One month in, I can see the potential to do a number of great things. But, I can also see that, in some arenas, I may have to consolidate and do what needs to be done. This is where I can see my maturity - something I lacked in my 20s and even through some of my 30s. My 20s self would have probably scoffed I was on the road paved with selling out. But, I don't see it that way. With each moment, day and year comes a deeper understanding of who you are; what you need and what you want. These things can cause conflict in our lives, but they can also bring peace and happiness.
I'm very thankful to be in Ecuador right now. For a variety of reasons. I'm sure people will disagree with this, but 8 years is a long time to spend in the one job and in the one place. Although I had mini-moves (Heaton to Walker to Wallsend to Tynemouth) during that time, I do think being consistently surrounded by the same makes you more rigid... less flexible and constrained by particular norms and values. For about three of these eight years, I have been feeling this so acutely. This was a dominant reason why I made this huge change in my life, i.e. volunteering for a US not-for-profit organisation in Ecuador for one year. It has also given me some perspective on another Latin American country that I have been enmeshed with for a very long time. Nicaragua is like an ex you can't quite let go of because everything during that time you were together was in every colour across the spectrum. You've tried other places but they aren't quite as bright. Ecuador is a contender. I can feel those old ghosts start to leave me. They know I'm going in a better direction for me. And they're happy for me.
I'm also learning a lot about expectations and how they can poison the situations you are in. I've watched a fellow volunteer become very bitter that the organisation isn't going to give them the experience they were expecting. I've also watched how this is actually deeper rooted - that other organisations, people and situations have similarly let them down, and they are pushing back a little too hard and unfairly. We have all done this. But, sometimes we don't learn from it and keep pushing back, a little too hard at some people and situations when we are really angry at other people and situations. This volunteer has decided to leave and I think it is the best decision for them and the organisation. But this has reminded me how important it is to step back and ask yourself what is really going on when you are triggered. Who are you really angry at for not giving you validation? There are a lot of echoes here with my job at Northumbria - with both students and staff. It's a real pleasure to be able to take some time out and watch how other people are reacting; and see the parallels with your own behaviour. Ecuador is teaching me much more than I thought it would.
I haven't fully left university life behind though. Later today I need to plan a program I'm running at a local university, and then a lecture that I'm doing via Skype for a university in the US. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if I'm getting closer to that hybrid job I've always dreamed of. I'm so thankful for this. I'm tired, sunburned and out of my element in so many ways. But, the opportunities are coming. Because I took a chance when my heart and soul cried out. Listen to them. They will take you to where you need to go.
Much love from a small land in South America...
I can't really predict what this year is going to bring for me. One month in, I can see the potential to do a number of great things. But, I can also see that, in some arenas, I may have to consolidate and do what needs to be done. This is where I can see my maturity - something I lacked in my 20s and even through some of my 30s. My 20s self would have probably scoffed I was on the road paved with selling out. But, I don't see it that way. With each moment, day and year comes a deeper understanding of who you are; what you need and what you want. These things can cause conflict in our lives, but they can also bring peace and happiness.
I'm very thankful to be in Ecuador right now. For a variety of reasons. I'm sure people will disagree with this, but 8 years is a long time to spend in the one job and in the one place. Although I had mini-moves (Heaton to Walker to Wallsend to Tynemouth) during that time, I do think being consistently surrounded by the same makes you more rigid... less flexible and constrained by particular norms and values. For about three of these eight years, I have been feeling this so acutely. This was a dominant reason why I made this huge change in my life, i.e. volunteering for a US not-for-profit organisation in Ecuador for one year. It has also given me some perspective on another Latin American country that I have been enmeshed with for a very long time. Nicaragua is like an ex you can't quite let go of because everything during that time you were together was in every colour across the spectrum. You've tried other places but they aren't quite as bright. Ecuador is a contender. I can feel those old ghosts start to leave me. They know I'm going in a better direction for me. And they're happy for me.
I'm also learning a lot about expectations and how they can poison the situations you are in. I've watched a fellow volunteer become very bitter that the organisation isn't going to give them the experience they were expecting. I've also watched how this is actually deeper rooted - that other organisations, people and situations have similarly let them down, and they are pushing back a little too hard and unfairly. We have all done this. But, sometimes we don't learn from it and keep pushing back, a little too hard at some people and situations when we are really angry at other people and situations. This volunteer has decided to leave and I think it is the best decision for them and the organisation. But this has reminded me how important it is to step back and ask yourself what is really going on when you are triggered. Who are you really angry at for not giving you validation? There are a lot of echoes here with my job at Northumbria - with both students and staff. It's a real pleasure to be able to take some time out and watch how other people are reacting; and see the parallels with your own behaviour. Ecuador is teaching me much more than I thought it would.
I haven't fully left university life behind though. Later today I need to plan a program I'm running at a local university, and then a lecture that I'm doing via Skype for a university in the US. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if I'm getting closer to that hybrid job I've always dreamed of. I'm so thankful for this. I'm tired, sunburned and out of my element in so many ways. But, the opportunities are coming. Because I took a chance when my heart and soul cried out. Listen to them. They will take you to where you need to go.
Much love from a small land in South America...
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